When it comes to drama on The Bachelor this season, it seems like it’s going to be feast or famine. Last week, I was frantically scouring the floor for crumbs of crazy, but this week’s episode had me changing into elastic-waist sweatpants and groaning on the couch in pain. Grab your Tums, rose lovers, and let’s review the most dramatic episode 2…ever!
Things started out innocently enough, with Harrison (sporting a jaunty purple shirt) stopping by Casa Bachelorette to drop off the first date card. It’s addressed to Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. Ella reads the cryptic message — ”A picture is worth a thousand words” — which elicits squeals, but also confusion. ”I have absolutely no idea what that means,” puzzles Christina. Do they deprive the ”ladies” of oxygen or something? How else would they not be able to figure out that they’re GOING TO GET THEIR PICTURE TAKEN? Jake steps out of a stretch Hummer and immediately strikes the crew, millions of viewers, and the gaggle of shrieking bachelorettes blind with the brightness of his electric blue shirt. And just as Rozlyn and Ashleigh have worn their most tata-revealing frocks for the occasion, Jake has his shirt buttoned low enough to show off some freshly waxed man cleavage.
Anyhoo, they arrive at a ”swank” Santa Monica hotel, where Hal, the fashion director of InStyle magazine, tells the ”ladies” they’ll be the stars of a photo shoot. Squeals all around, except for Christina, who immediately begins doing what she does best — hating on herself. ”Rozlyn is a professional model. Gia is a professional model,” she grouses. ”I would rather be doing a math test right now.” Rozlyn is up first, and when she says she’s going to make an impression on Jake ”by any means possible,” she’s not kidding: Within minutes, she wraps her long leg around Jake’s waist, causing her sparkly micro-mini to ride up and reveal her ”cha-cha,” as Christina sourly puts it. (Not for nothing, but where was the Black Bar of Censorship when Jake lifted Corrie up during their photo session, all but revealing her ”cha-cha”?) When the time comes for Christina to face the lens, Jake, seeing how nervous she is, steps in and starts throwing out compliments (”look what the dress is doing with your eyes”) and pulls her into a slow-dance embrace as the ”ladies” let out a chorus of supremely insincere ”Awwwwws.” And just like that, Christina is in love: ”I’m thrilled that Jake is the man that I dreamed up in my head.” (Wait, she does realize that other people see him too, right?)
With the photo shoot over, the bachelorettes turn their attention to getting the date rose. As the rooftop cocktail party begins, Jake pulls Gia away to quiz her about ”past relationships,” but she barely has a chance to answer before a bikini-clad Ashleigh struts in, determined to bust this bitch wide open! To his credit, Jake does his best to ignore the nearly naked, rose-seeking missile coming his way, but you can tell that he’s getting distracted from how his line of questioning with Gia starts to lose focus: ”I can tell… [must… ignore… bikini… bimbo] I mean, I didn’t even have to ask you… [must… not… look… at incoming boobage…] I can tell you’ve been hurt…” Ashleigh succeeds in ”stealing” Jake away, but no sooner has she cornered him in the pool alone then the other ”ladies” arrive and begin rubbing their bikini-clad bodies against the Bachelor.
NEXT PAGE: Jake and Ali hop a prop plane to the ’80s