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I’ve got a confession to make, rose lovers. Though I’ve actually vacationed in Curacao, I still don’t know how to pronounce it. For that reason, there will be no mocking of anyone else’s tragic attempts at saying the country’s name.
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, welcome to the penultimate stop in Emily’s “journey” to find “love”! In case you’re just joining us — anyone? anyone? — let’s waste the first five minutes of this episode recapping what’s been going on. 1) Emily’s favorite color is blue. 2) Sean is “funny,” “muscular,” and “vulnerable,” making him a “jackpot” in Emily’s husband lottery. 3) Promotional consideration was provided by this place. 4) Jef “lets everybody see his weird side.” 5) I can’t get on board with ponytails in formal situations. 6) Arie brings out Emily’s “youthfulness,” and he’s “thoughtful,” “attentive,” and would “adore” Emily until the end of days. 7) I’m guessing it took 14 takes to get the perfect shot of the Bachelorette writing “Emily + ?” in super-girlie script in the sand, just before a wave rushed in to wash it away.
Are we all up to speed? Good. Let’s get on with it! Sean’s up first, and really the guy just has one thing on his to-do list for this final date with Emily: “He hasn’t said ‘I love you’ yet!” marvels the Bachelorette. “So it’s hard for me… to let my heart or even head go there yet.” Fortunately the Genetic Gift knows what time it is. “I’m in love with this girl. I don’t want to lose her, and I think if I hold back, there’s a chance that could happen.” The duo board a helicopter (am I hallucinating or is this the first whirlybird of the season?), which whisks them away to their own private Idaho — sorry, I mean island. Sean’s probably thinking Isn’t this the place Brad used to take you?, but he wisely keeps his mouth shut.
Once on the beach, Emily and Sean chat about the hometown visit, specifically that someone in Sean’s family told Emily that his past girlfriends “were like buddies.” So, they hung out at Hooters together and watched the game? Not quite. Sean says his family was probably referring to his three-year relationship with a “special” girl whom he loved, but wasn’t in love with. “She brought up marriage all the time, and I would always kind of deviate from the conversation,” he admits. “That would ultimately cause arguments.” (I want to take a moment here to extend a cyber hug to Sean’s long-suffering ex, who I desperately hope is not watching, but let’s be serious how could she not tune in? Can you imagine how horrifying it would be to hear the guy you wanted to marry tell his new girlfriend that he just wasn’t that into you on national television? Somebody pour that woman a drink. A big one.) Anyhow, Sean assures Emily that even though his sister said in the past Sean hasn’t wanted girls to get too “attached” to him, he’s actually ready to be superglued to her side. But just as it looks like the Genetic Gift is going finally drop the l-bomb, he chokes. “Um, I forgot what I was going to say.” Smooth, red. Real smooth.
NEXT: It’s easier for Fonzie to say “I was wrong” than it is for Sean to say “I love you”