It’s night two of Big Brother 16, and it’s time to meet the second octet of houseguests. We would love to suggest Even Crazier 8’s as their alliance name, but this batch wasn’t quite as resourceful as their predecessors, with none of the eight new players even mentioning the possibility of sticking together. Was it just because they didn’t get the same alone time as the first group, or did they seriously not even consider it as an option? Also, why did Pow Pow waste her time grilling Caleb instead of working on the rookie ladies for her El Quatro galliance? (And yes, that’s gal + alliance, stolen directly from Leslie Knope’s Galentine’s Day.)
But here we are talking way too much sense about a nonsensical show. The fact is, the night one group had their heads in the game and behaved like true BB scholars (truly the only time anyone on this show will be called that), whereas the night deuce squad argued who was the hottest (obviously Victoria, says Victoria) and made thinly veiled homophobic comments (“You’re the most Broadway person I’ve ever seen,” Alpha male Zach says to openly gay Frankie).
So shall we meet Victoria and Zach? No? Well too bad, we’re meeting them anyway.
Victoria: The 22-year-old photographer was raised in Israel and now lives in Miami. “We’re orthodox, but we don’t dress it, obviously”–cue skimpy bikini shot. And she offers up a generic prissy lady quote to boot: “Heels are a girl’s best friend.” Sigh.
Zach: “I don’t need friends because all I need is myself.” Oh, so that’s why the 23-year-old insulted the sitting HoH and made no attempt to form an alliance. In the same breath, Zach tells us that lying gives him a rush and “I tell people how it is”–as long as “how it is” is a complete lie.
Caleb: The 26-year-old from Kentucky is a self-proclaimed metrosexual country boy. He leads us through his beauty regimen, and “next thing you know, I look like Robin Thicke.” It’s only a matter of time until he’s begging Paula Patton to take him back. He’s also ex-military, so he and camo connoisseur Donny should get along just fine.
Brittany: The 29-year-old mother of three (!) is just out of a 10-year marriage. Honestly, she seems too well-adjusted for this show so far, but that’s bound to change.
Manic Pixie Dream Christine: How did they cast Christine and Nicole in the same season? This is too much adorkability for one show. Manic Pixie Dream Girls only work when set against a drab, gray background of normality. Putting two Zooey Deschanels in one place might make the matrix fall in on itself. Oh, and she’s a quirky barista who loves being naked and has a freakishly tall husband.
Deputy Derrick: He’s a dad and a cop, but in the grand tradition of Tony on the last season of Survivor, he’s keeping his Blue Bloods (CBS cross-promo opportunity!) background a secret.
Jocasta: Another reformed-bad-girl pastor who always wears bow ties? Such a cliché. Actually, this lady is going to be great for sound bites (and the famous BB holy-music soundtrack) all season. Case in point: “My past is my past. I’ve done a lot of things; I’ve done a lot of people.”
Hayden: He’s a goofy pedicab driver in Long Beach. His profound Jerry Maguire exit speech on his way to the BB house went thusly: “No more pedicabbing for me!”
NEXT: Two groups converge in Hollywood