Cliff Lipson
Lynette Rice
July 13, 2007 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Big Brother”: Bimbo eruptions

For a moment last night, I thought Chen Lite had made her first blunder of the season during the HOH competition by accepting Jen’s lowball guess for how many gallons of water that gigantic teacup holds. Clearly, it could hold more than 41 Jenuine gallons — I was thinking 200 or more — and yet that bobblehead won anyway! Only when I backed up the TiVo and saw that the freakin’ teacup was missing a door did I realize that Jen’s answer actually did come closest to the right amount (9 gallons). Pretty tricky question, Chen Lite! Seems there’s more beneath that helmet hair of yours than a half can of Aqua Net. (Not that I really think she came up with the question in the first place, but I can dare to dream, can’t I?)

Anyway, before we talk about the departure of Carol (as if anyone really cares about the departure of Carol), let’s talk about the comment board and your sentiments about the cast. Every year, you kids have the same complaint, and every year you answer your own flippin’ questions. Why waste precious energy on BB‘s chronic lack of minorities (not to mention the absence of overweight, old, and ugly people, because it seems The Biggest Loser and Golden Girls reruns aren’t quite enough to satiate your hunger for fatties and shrivs) when there are far more interesting topics to discuss, like those curious Internet rumors about one guy’s sexuality and the HGs’ command of the English language, from Carol describing something as a ”close niche” to Nick pointing out how Daniele and Dick were ”conversating.” Don’t you all realize by now that Jack the retired FBI agent was the exception, not the rule? BB will never attract exceptional players like Yul Kwon from Survivor: Cook Islands. We are, after all, talking about a show that requires its participants to give up three months of their work and family lives to share one toilet with 13 strangers; you gotta be a special kind of numskull to engage in craptivity like that. So, readers, quit complaining about the lack of diversity and embrace your latest HGs!

Now let’s review the week. At first I looked upon Kail’s alliance with Zach, Nick, and Mike as a transparent attempt to hang with the hotties — but then I remembered that very telling comment about Dustin and Joe in the diary room and immediately assumed it was homophobia rearing its ugly head yet again. How else to explain her strategy to completely ignore the gays? I think she’s missing out by not exploring her options with Dustin, a sweet guy I like more and more each day (though who can understand his connection with Amber and his decision to caress her leg in the hammock?). And cry me a river, but I’ll never be able to generate the amount of tears already emitted by Amber, who immediately lost my respect (as if I had any to give) when she (a) prayed to God to take her off the block and (b) claimed she was doing this for her family. Just once I’d like to hear a BB parent finally admit with pride that ”hell, yeah, I’m a selfish dog, and truth be told, I’m actually relishing this time way from home and that little booger picker who I left behind.” At least it’ll seem more real than these empty declarations about ”doing it for the family.”

Now a word about Eric and his role as ”America’s player.” I’m still reserving judgment as to whether it’s such a great idea to allow the viewers at home to have a part in someone’s eviction. We all remember what happened in season 1, when the fans were allowed to vote (result: worst season ever), and this new angle has the potential to backfire as well. But if anyone can work the twist, it’s Eric — clearly the sharpest knife in the drawer here.

Finally, a comment about Jen, this week’s HOH. Apparently, credible research shows that viewers are drawn to reality shows because they feel smarter than and superior to the people who appear in them, and every time I watch Jen, I feel that much closer to winning the Fields Medal in math. The only way I could love Jen more would be if she nominated Dick and Jessica on Sunday and figured out a way to backdoor Joe next week.

What do you think? Are you loving the America’s player twist? Have you taken the time to watch Big Brother: After Dark? Who do you think Jen will target? And if you want to read more, check out Josh Wolk’s interview with Carol, the first of’s weekly interviews with the ousted HGs.

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