Break out the Ouzo! Not in celebration of the fact that poor Dominic was evicted, but because, watching Thursday night’s Big Brother, I could have sworn the housemate was Greek. That is, a Greek chorus. I love me a good Big Brother screaming match or needlessly painful competition, but there’s nothing quite as awesome as a player willing to insult every other cast member on his way out the door. And, on Thursday night, Dominic did it right, saying what we all at home have been thinking over the past few weeks: “We all suck at this game,” he said, after labeling them all “spineless jellyfish.” “If I had a player or someone that had a spine to play with me, aside from the last week, I think there would be a game being played, and not what it is right now.” Opa!
Dominic’s absolutely right. Everyone in the house has terrible posture. No, but seriously, it’s undeniable the dude made some bad decisions during his tenure in the house — overplaying his hand in the first week, throwing a veto competition without nary a golden key on the line — but you can’t call his gameplay uninteresting. (You can call Porsche that, though.) At least he spent the first 20-some days trying to do, well, something. Even if that meant trying to flirt with “Venus Fly Donato” (a being that feeds off Gap khaki), and make alliances with nearly everyone in the house, including Brendon’s dozens of discarded bandages. Instead, four horrendously boring alums are the ones rising to the top on Big Brother 13. And all they are trying to do by appearing on the season is make the longest and most unbearable home video chronicling their love ever. It’s for the grandchildren, and so is this trash bin for when they vomit watching Grandma Sparkles kiss Grandpa-Emails-His-Penis.
Jeff even admitted to it. In Dominic’s goodbye package, Jeff — angry at Dominic for telling him that Aslan is a lion — said his goal was to spend a summer with his girlfriend. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but what has helped Big Brother become must-see TV every summer is the fact that the cast is made up of greedy, uncouth boobs who would give up their important career as “One Who Combines Vodka With Red Bull” for a buck. Not a group of cutesy lovebirds more fit for a Judy Blume novel than Temptation Island. I mean, we’re talking about a guy intent on not playing a game based on lies in a game based on lies. It’s like a mime insisting he can make it on American Idol. Or a real, live, actual human being trying to join the cast of Jersey Shore.
NEXT: A Festivus!