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Janelle did not know what she was doing up on the block. She woke up one morning in the Big Brother house with a path to victory assured: A team composed of one genuine player and two obedient puppets, a loose alliance with the returning players, a Blonde mental link with Britney. She didn’t even bother to put on her makeup. And then the next thing she knew, she was sitting next to Frank in the Elimination Chairs. She asked Danielle “W the F?” Danielle made vague noises about people telling her Janelle was gunning for her, and when Janelle demanded names, Danielle said “Ehhhhmmm” and crawled onto the purple HoH throne-couch and pretended to be a banana slug.
So Janelle went straight to the little man inside of Danielle’s brain. “Coach Dan,” she said, “How did this happen?” Dan was cornered. He had his back up against the wall. He explained, “I think it’s a girl instinct. These girl feelings.” Janelle could do nothing but nod her head. Janelle was never a girl; she was born fully formed one morning in 1961, on the set of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, when a Cherokee shaman hit John Wayne over the head with a mystical tomahawk and Janelle crawled out of a fissure in The Duke’s skull.
But Janelle was not going to worry. She knew she had the votes. She talked to her old protégé Wil. “You aren’t going to vote for me, are you, Wil? After all I’ve done for you?” “Oh sugah,” said Wil, stroking Janelle’s hair and imagining what her scalp would look like in his wig closet, “Ah would nevah vote you out. Nevah, nevah, nevah.”
And Janelle talked to her beloved meatshield Smashley. Janelle: “You’ve always been my closest friend. Are we together?” Smashley: “Ooohh, I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly. It must be October. I need to microwave my Christmas Tree!” Janelle nodded. She could always count on Smashley.
But then Janelle talked to Britney, her old friend. “You’re on my side, right?” asked Janelle. Britney nodded her head, so casual. But there was something troubling humble Brit-Brit. She told Janelle that she had a feeling that things in the house just weren’t right. “Am I not seeing something?” asked Janelle. You could see the wheels starting to turn behind Janelle’s eyes. She had been thinking that this was just a renegade move by a sorority girl — an isolated incident, nothing more. But Britney got her thinking. Was there something else happening here? Was everyone against her? Was Mike Boogie behind all of this? It couldn’t be. It was impossible. She was being paranoid. How could everyone in the house be out to get her? “I’m so glad we’re together, Britney,” said Janelle. “Together, we can run this house. Together, we can rid the world of Mike Boogie. Forever.” Britney nodded her head, so casual.
When Janelle wasn’t looking, Britney retreated upstairs for a good long cry. She was talking to Danielle and Dan and Shane. Together, they are the four people who form the Venn Diagram center of the Quack Pack and the Silent Six, which means we must only refer to them as the Silent Quackers. Britney told her crew, “I can’t keep up the charade any longer. I feel like a bad person. I don’t have it in me to be this mean person.” I know that many of you readers don’t like Britney, and heard that statement as validation.
NEXT: Ian and Smashley are just like that show about that one theory about that one bang that was big. I think the show is called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”