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Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian.
Ian. I mean… just… Ian.
[Brief pause as your recapper slaps his forehead several times, makes a pot of warm green tea, and pours the warm green tea over his bruised forehead.]
Has any houseguest ever made a move so completely unnecessary, so immediately ruinous, so utterly ill-conceived as Ian? The adorable nerd Judas goat strolled into last night’s double eviction episode sitting pretty. He was the mole inside the Boogie/Frank alliance — a team that had, since the veto night, swelled to include his one-time flirt-partner Smashley. He was the essential member of the Quack Pack. Really, he was the only reason that the Quack Pack existed. He had single-handedly — albeit somewhat inadvertently — pushed one of the game’s best players out of the game pre-Jury. You could argue that the game belonged to him. If nothing else, he had the easy line to winning America’s Choice, with Frank devolving into paranoiac rambling and Shane revealed as an empty pink shirt with a bad haircut.
And he threw it all away.
At the beginning of the episode, Boogie knew that he was on his way out. He had dressed up for the occasion in an outfit that suggested Uncle Scrooge McDuck after a wacky weekend in Vice City: Pink blazer, hipster glasses, boat shoes, a frozen-gin smirk. Boogie had already gifted his favorite Chilltown T-shirt to his friend and scion Frank.
Boogie hadn’t been so cool earlier in the week. We saw footage of a tense dinner in the wake of the veto competition, with Jenn joining Boogie up on the block. Boogie challenged Shane outright in the kitchen: “Why did you give us the runaround?” Shane blubbered, “Um, errr, Shane sorry, Boogie. A Shane’s gotta do what a Shane’s gotta do.” Frank responded tersely: “Stuff your sorries in a sack, man.” Then Boogie threw down the gauntlet: “You’re just looking like Dan’s bitch right now.”
Cut to the ladies in the couch room, jaws on the floor. Cut to Dan, silently reading his King James Bible, no doubt paying special attention to the story of Joshua at the Walls of Jericho. In the privacy of the Diary Room, Boogie offered his opinion on Dan. “He likes to pretend he’s a Catholic school boy. But he’s not. He’s really Satan.” (Pot: Meet Kettle. You’re both black. But you’ll notice that the kettle doesn’t dress like the grown-up version of the kid from Blank Check.) Boogie tried to get a rise out of Dan. He walked over to the couch and asked, “Hey Dan, why nominate Jenn and not the other two? Hey Dan, are you gonna ignore me all week? Hey Dan, won’t it be great if they’re in the final three with you can Danielle, so you can throw that last HoH and you don’t have to slash Danielle’s throat on national TV?”
But Coach Dan wouldn’t budge. If Boogie’s greatest talent is talking, then Dan’s greatest ability is not talking. Play it cool. Take the blame if you need to, but don’t bemoan your fate. Instant counterexample: Jenn, who spent her time on the block talking and talking and talking. She told Ian, “I’m gonna raise hell!” She told Shane, “I’m so fired up!” She loudly announced that the houseguests had booked a one-way ticket to New Jenn City. We saw a montage of her best lines from the week: “I’m gonna be out for blood.” “Shane made everything really awkward. He’s just not a bright guy.” At one point, she stood in the middle of the Big Brother backyard and screamed “I’m such a frigging wild card!!!” (I bet that, when Jenn is playing poker, her version of a power move is going all in pre-flop and loudly announcing to the table: “Oh yeah, everybody, you better watch out: I got Nine High!” And then everyone she’s playing poker with says: “Actually, that’s a Six. Also, sorry, who are you?”
It came time for the final speeches. Jenn stood up and said: “I’m not going to speak in generalities. But what a summer it has been. What a time to be alive. A great man once said: It was the best of times, it was the worst of rhymes. Everything’s different, yet the same. Things are more moderner than before, bigger, and yet smaller. How true that is!”
Boogie didn’t roll like that. His Boogness stood up and gave a great plea speech, sounding for all the world like Clarence Darrow and looking for all the world like the last person on earth who still thinks roller-blades are cool. He thanked his business partner, said hello to his family, and begged Joe for his vote. (Remember: As far as Boogie knew, Joe was the swing vote.)
NEXT: You broke my heart, Fredo. You broke my heart.