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It is Britney’s destiny to be betrayed by the men she trusts. Two years ago, in her first Big Brother season, Britney made it to the Final Four, and she thought she had a good shot at the half-million. She was well-liked. She had a close friend whose loyalty she could count on — the holy fool Lane, who in hindsight looks a lot like a distant relative of Hodor from Game of Thrones. Certainly, she figured she was a lock for the final three: That goofball Enzo had been floating along all season. Hayden vibed like a handsome athletic puppet — an early-model Shane, with better hair and less pink, with strings waiting to be pulled by the closest gamemaker.
But one lazy night in the HoH throne room, Britney learned the truth. The three boys were in a day-one alliance — they called themselves The Brigade, though the low academic standards in these United States led them to render their team name as “Bragade,” and in all honesty “Brogade” would have been more accurate. Britney was going home. There was no room to maneuver. There would be no negotiation. Britney walked out of the throneroom crying. She had been inside the Big Brother house for three months, long enough for her friends and family in the outside world to become a distant memory. It’s fair to say that, in that moment, her whole world was crumbling.
Britney returned this season to prove that she was more than just the world’s sassiest floater — more than just a meatshield with a mouth. As a coach, she made one very smart pick (Shane, an American Apparel mannequin with the facial hair of Don Johnson and the brain of Don Johnson’s facial hair) and one very unfortunate pick (Willie, the megalomaniac with unresolved little-brother issues). She hesitated for a moment before she hit the reboot button…but she did hit the reboot button, and she dived right into the deep end of player politics. I know some people feel like Britney lucked out by attaching herself to Shane, but I would argue that Shane was just as lucky to have Britney as his unofficial Lady MacBeth. We’ve seen Shane try to talk game to the real players, and Shane no talk so good, talk make Shane’s tongue hurt, ouchy ouch! Dan wasn’t lying on Wednesday’s episode, when he said that Britney was set up better than any other player in the house.
Britney certainly thought she was sailing. “I thought I was at Dan’s funeral last night,” she said at the start of last night’s episode, “And then a giant carrot puts me on the block next to my best friend in the house.” Danielle couldn’t quite look her in the eyes; Shane walked over and gave her the world’s second most awkward hug, falling over her while she sat on the nominee chair. Britney asked Danielle if she knew about this. “I had no idea,” Danielle said.
Britney was still reeling, but Ian was furious. He angrily trotted up to the HoH throne room. “So, guys, how’s it going,” said Ian when he walked into the HoH throne room. Ian was in a speechifying mood. “I’m not too pleased,” he said. “I’m a little blindsided.” He was going for Sam Waterston, but at most he was achieving Charlie in his Lawyer Tie. Frank regarded Ian with a mix of awe and pity: “Ian, don’t raise your voice in here. You can step outside.” “THANKS, I WILL!” said Ian. Outside, Ian patted himself on the back for a job well done, and then he kicked his forehead a few times for good luck.
Downstairs, Britney continued her investigation into her sorry circumstances. Dan was inside the purple pillow room, reading selected passages from the First Letter of Paul to the Corinthians. Here’s how their conversation went:
Britney: “Dan, come on. Don’t you owe it to me to be honest? I’ve been nothing but good to you.”
Dan: [reading aloud from the Good Book]”‘I gave you milk to drink, not solid food. For you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able.'”
Britney: “You’re being so cold. Why, because I’m on the block? So now I’m the plague?”
Dan: “‘For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men? For when one says, ‘I am of Paul,’ and another, ‘I am of Apollos,’ are you not mere men?'”
Britney: “It’s just a game. It’s important to me how you treat people.” [angrily slams door as she leaves]
Dan: “‘What then is Apollos? And what is Paul?’ [quietly whispering] Sorry, Britney. It’s all in the game, yo.”
Finally, Britney asked Jenn point-blank why she removed Dan from the block. Jenn played dumb and said, “I wanted to keep a bigger target in this game.” The Frank/Dan alliance held firm. Downstairs, Shane finally processed the events of two hours ago and asked the question we’ve all been pondering this season: “Where did Jenn come from?”
NEXT: Kicking and Screaming