It’s easy to hate the Exterminators. They vibe like second-string goofballs who lucked into the finish line. If a statistician tried to Moneyball this season of Big Brother, the metrics are not on this alliance’s side. Spencer has been up on the block more than any player in Big Brother history, a record that you could argue shows resilience but that basically means he’s one of history’s luckiest pawns. And Judd – poor Judd, beautiful Judd, dear innocent sweet little Judd – is a doofus who got evicted twice.
(ASIDE: To be clear, Judd is a very funny guy who is very likable; if Big Brother ever wanted to expand the franchise and host a Sportscenter-style play-by-play weekly special, I’d pair Judd up with Coach Dan behind the desk. I would also support a Big Brother spinoff where Aaryn and Britney argue either side of famous legal cases from throughout history. You could call it Blegally Blonde. END OF ASIDE.)
But metrics aren’t everything – certainly not in the Big Brother house, which operates according to Calvinball logic. (Losing can help you win; winning puts a target on your back; black is white, up is down, and numbers are rainbows.) Watching last night’s episode of Big Brother, I developed a new respect for GinaMarie and Andy, two controversial players who probably won’t make anyone’s MVP list, but who both represent fascinating extremes of Big Brother gameplay. Andy played the Double Agent scheme and then played it again; I would imagine that every single person in the house thinks they’re allied with Andy, which is another way of saying that Andy has successfully betrayed pretty much everybody. GinaMarie has gone in the exact opposite direction: She’s an animal operating on pure instinct. This might sound like I’m damning her with faint praise, and boy I sure am, but GinaMarie made it to the Final Four by sticking to her guns – and firing those guns constantly in every direction.
Example: After she was nominated as a pawn, she did a full round-up roleplay to lure McCrae into a false sense of security. “Aw shucks, I’m nominated!” she said, slapping her hand against the table and shedding a single tear. “I sure wish I was allied with every single person left in the house besides McCrae! Darn it darn it darn it!” Then she stripped off her clothes and ran outside and raised her fists to the heavens and cursed the name of every god she could think of. It was a subtle performance, is what I’m saying.
Meanwhile, upstairs in the HoH throneroom, GinaMarie’s Exterminator pals were making back-up plans. What if McCrae won the veto? Who would go up in his place? And who would go home? Spencer told Judd, bluntly, that he was going up. However, Spencer and Andy both expressed interest in sending GM home. Judd was not satisfied with that. Beneath Judd’s goofy facade, there lurks a barely repressed unexploded volcano of paranoia. He was caught unawares the first time he was evicted; he was nervous that it would happen again. (Andy and Spencer also told McCrae that he was safe, lying through their teeth; McCrae, to his credit, didn’t believe them.)
And so we came to the Veto Competition that would decide the final fate of the Exterminators. The psychopathic Slovenian cyborg-vampire psychotherapists who design the Big Brother competition really let their imaginations run wild with this one: A superhero-themed puzzler, set in a mini-metropolis (minitropolis?), with special guest star Ian, winner of Big Brother 14. Ian was dressed in orange and looked a little bit like Aquaman – appropriate, since everyone always underrates Aquaman even though he’s so powerful guys, seriously, he controls the freaking oceans, ALL FOUR OF THEM. (ASIDE: As your humble recapper, it’s my duty to inform you that I just looked up “Ocean” on Wikipedia, and it turns out that since I was in school they’ve actually discovered a new ocean. Exciting, right? Unfortunately, they named this new subdivision “The Southern Ocean,” which is a pretty lame name for a gigantic body of water. Clearly they should’ve called it “The Frozen Ocean,” or perhaps “The Frocean.” END OF ASIDE.)
McCrae was a comic book nerd, and he was in his wheelhouse. He was dressed in yellow spandex and looked a bit like old-school Wolverine with less muscles but better hair. He knew that he had to fight for his life, and by god, he wouldn’t let his lady love down. Andy fought hard, too; dressed in purple, he looked uncannily like Jimmy Olsen in his Elastic Lad incarnation – which certainly makes sense, since Andy is also a trusty sidekick who now finds himself trying to be a superpower in his own right. To complete these metaphors, Spencer was dressed in blue because he’s as lame as Blue Beetle; GinaMarie was dressed in green because she has all the strategy of the Hulk rampaging through the desert; and Judd was dressed in red just like Radioactive Man. We actually have exclusive footage of Judd’s impressive gameplay in last night’s veto competition:
It wasn’t pretty.
NEXT: Judd drops the ball