Last week, no one in the house trusted Mike Boogie. This week, no one in the house trusts Mike Boogie. The problem is that, for one brief shining moment, roughly half the houses decided that Mike Boogie was a swell guy who absolutely would not throw them into a quicksand ocean at the first opportunity. So Janelle went home, Frank won HoH, and almost immediately, everyone on the Silent Six decided that it was probably not in their best interest to be on the Silent Six. At the beginning of last night’s episode, Britney and Danielle informed Dan that he came thisclose to getting the backdoor backstab. Dan didn’t believe them. He went upstairs and said, “Say, Frank, I’m hearing this kooky rumor that you were planning to backdoor me.” And Frank responded “Well, I sure was considering it!”
Frank explained his reasoning. “I want Dan to hear it from me. I had the opportunity, but I trusted him, and he needs to trust me.” Dan nodded his head and had a good laugh and swore vengeance on Frank. “If I get the opportunity to shank Frank in this game, I’m gonna do it,” announced Dan. Operation Shank Frank is now in effect. Nothing will stop Dan from getting Frank out of this game. Unless, I dunno, Boogie slithers up to Dan one day and says, “Hey, man, let’s be on a team together! You and me and Frank! Also, dude, you gotta try this apple I pulled off the Tree of Knowledge! It’s so tasty. You totally won’t be banished.”
Wil knew that he was in the crosshairs this week. His back was against a wall. He decided to start playing a sharp social game. Unfortunately, Wil’s version of social game basically involved walking up to random houseguests and saying, “I think there’s a conspiracy to evict me. Hahaha! And I think you’re in the conspiracy. Hahaha! Anyhow, hello.”
It wasn’t a convincing argument, is what I’m getting at. Smashley could recognize this. So Smashley made a quiet little power move. She walked up to Frank in the kitchen and said, “Do you want to go on an ice cream date later?”
Cut To: Interior HoH Throne Room, Night. There’s no ice cream in the house, so Smashley and Frank are sharing a few glasses of wine. “My only friend in the house is Wil,” says Smashley. “Sometimes it gets lonely. I need some manly testosterone in my life.” “Do you wanna make out on the couch for a bit?” asks Frank surreptitiously. Cut To: Ian, downstairs, playing a mournful game of badminton with the fellows. Cut To: Frank and Smashley, making out on the HoH throne-couch. Cut To: Ian, complaining to Britney, “I thought she was my flirtmance.” Cut To: Smashley, running down all the ways that Frank is similar to Channing Tatum. “He’s very manly. He has nice lips. And a very soft tongue.” Truly, Frank has the body of Channing Tatum and the hair of Little Orphan Annie. Call him Little Orphan Channie. Or don’t, weirdo.
We’re reaching the halfway point of the summer. The housemates have not seen the outside world for a long, long time. Britney has a wife on the outside; Jenn likes ladies; Danielle has promised her heart to Shane, who has promised his heart to the man in the mirror who really rocks that pink tank top. That leaves Smashley as the only unattached human heterosexual female. So it makes simple geometric sense that Frank would seek a showmance with Smashley. Or, anyhow, a Secondbasemance. Smashley, for her part, said “This is exactly what I secretly wanted.” Could it be that Smashley is using her feminine wiles to conquer a powerful man, just like Cleopatra and Delilah and Angela Merkel? Or could this be love? Or maybe life inside the Big Brother house is just crushingly boring?
NEXT PAGE: Meet Mrs. Joe. Or should I say: MEET MRS. JOE!!!