Cliff Lipson/CBS
Sandra Gonzalez
August 28, 2010 AT 01:00 AM EDT

Last night’s episode of Big Brother was like being served a really big meal after a long period of hunger. You consume it too fast, and afterward, you’re full and uncomfortable. The good news is that this Big Brother bloat also comes with benefits: We’re down to our final five! We’ll get to them in a second (or three pages). [Julie Chen voice] But first…

As you might recall from past seasons, double eviction episodes jam a full week of action into a single episode. That’s an eviction, an HOH competition, nominations, a veto competition, a veto ceremony, and another eviction. All the action, none of the chit-chat — exactly how I prefer most thing in life, especially Big Brotherepisodes.

We began with the unfinished business from last week. Matt and Enzo (in a penguin suit) sat side by side on the block, and the two voting Brigade members sat side by side with a decision. It wasn’t exactly Sophie’s Choice, though. Hayden (who has sort of stopped screaming! High five, all!) had started the campaign last week to get Matt evicted by pointing out to the other Brigade members that the self-proclaimed genius was the strongest competitor and playing all sides of the house. As the second strongest competitor in that alliance, it was a smart move for Hayden to make. Maybe in lowering the volume of his voice, Hayden was able to hear the voice of reason. The voice is also telling you to cut your hair, dude.

Meanwhile, Ragan’s suspicions were rising. As he said, it was time he started putting feelings aside and started thinking about winning. Or, you know, a few weeks ago would have been a good time, too. At least he’s caught on. Although, he only did so because Enzo opened his meow hole and told him that he and Hayden had planned to split their votes when Lane and Matt were on the block — essentially telling Ragan that they had an alliance. Lightbulb!

Outside, Matt told his alliance that Ragan was on to them in an effort to appear like a vital member of the group, the only one who could keep Ragan’s suspicions at bay. Instead, upon hearing news that they might be outed as an alliance, the members of the Brigade became skeptical of Matt, wondering if he had been the one to tell Ragan.

In another room, Ragan joined Brendon in the I-Have-No-Inner-Monologue Club, quizzing himself on the season’s events in prep for competition (which the houseguests were assumingly tipped off about…?) and strategizing aloud while alone. The best part about watching Ragan pondering the boys’ alliance was Big Brother’s editing. While Ragan spoke about the Brigade like it was a menacing band of strategic geniuses, we were shown footage of the this threatening and oh-so-dangerous group snacking away on pickles and pastry. Truly terrifying stuff.

Actually, I like to think this is Big Brother‘s way of winking and nodding at us. He knows this is all ridiculous. He’s saying , ”I know they’re no Chilltown, but it’ll all be okay.” With that, we’ve officially reached the point in the season where I begin to believe BB is a person who edits in funny things just for us. It’s all downhill from here…

At the live vote, Enzo thanked Matt for his fades (you really can’t make this stuff up…), and in his third block speech, Matt had nothing to say — except that he was a gremlin. Maybe gremlins don’t have souls, and he’s just hoping to save his from going to purgatory when karma comes looking for his scrawny butt for lying to the houseguests about his wife.

When the Brigade voted out their winningest member unanimously, I thought Ragan no longer had to worry about them being a threat. (I was also happy I wouldn’t have to see Enzo sit spread eagle on the nominee chair in white boxers anymore.) But the Brigade pulled a surprise win during the HOH competition.

Next: The dangers of packing peanuts

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