Riddle me this, readers: What does it mean when the jury house has more action and drama than the Big Brother house? Seriously. How. Did. This. Happen?
Take a moment to shake off the shock of being Big Brother bitch slapped because it has been aweird season. Now take a deep breath and accept the fact that at this time next week, Lane, Hayden, or Enzo will be walking around in this world a half million dollars richer. I know, God help us all.
As if we needed further proof that this game has turned into three apes fighting for a $500,000 banana, Big Brother stuck the finalists on swinging ropes and slammed them into walls this week for the first part of a three-part HOH competition. Enzo put most of his energy into chattering. ”Meow meeeoooowww!” he yelled…for all of 19 minutes before falling off. Surprised? Me neither. He, of course, bemoaned his defeat, but I’m sure his squished boys downstairs celebrated in glee.
Hayden and Lane battled it out for over two-and-a-half hours (while Enzo went inside to make soup and pizza). Lane compared the challenge to a Texas bar fight: “You get slammed from wall to wall to wall. People pour alcohol and water on your head, and you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” This could be your winner this year, folks. A man with the build of the Brawny man and the brain of Beverly Hillbilly. What a season!
In all seriousness, of all the competitions we’ve seen this season, this one looked the most brutal-looking and was one mildly poisonous animal away from being one of those Japanese game shows that harms contestants to amuse the audience. Which is to say, of course: Haven’t the comps been great this season!?
By the end of part one, Hayden was king of the jungle.
In another jungle known as Jersey, we visited the adorable famiglia di Enzo, who were in full cooking mode and made me realize why Enzo had complained earlier this season about missing his home cooking. I would, too! Feasting aside, Enzo’s ”wifey” was a patient-looking woman, who complained not of her husband’s poor performance but instead joked about not having laugh lines before she was married to him. It was the most charming inside look at a contestant’s home life that we’ve seen this season. You couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for the guy as his wife talked about him working two full-time jobs and still managing to spend a lot of time with his daughter, being a hands-on dad. Enzo’s mom confessed that he’s never been the brightest bulb, but looking at his family, it seems like Enzo’s gotten through life much like how he’s gotten through Big Brother: making the best of what he had to offer. Did anyone else find this all endearing? Because I gotta say, Enzo, I still don’t think you’ve pulled your weight, but me and yous, we a’ight.
Next: Back in the jury house, everything was far from a’ight…