Has any epic hero ever gone crazy faster than Devin? The man is built like a tank. Rather, every part of him is built like a different military vehicle. Pause to imagine a post-apocalyptic landscape, where a burst of wormhole radiation from the third moon of Saturn creates a monster whose head is a tank, whose left bicep is a battleship and whose right bicep is a fortress filled with cannons that run on infinite ammo, whose chest is a six-pack of Jolt Cola and each can is the size of a skyscraper. Devin is a monster man. “A physical and mental competition monster,” in his own words. Not two weeks ago, he looked like a man who ascended Mount Olympus.
He made one mistake: The same mistake all tyrants make, eventually. He thought that his power came entirely from within. Recall Devin announcing that he needed no one, nothing; that he would win Big Brother on competition strength alone. See how quickly his enemies undercut him, refusing him the right to compete until the last moment. Power comes from the people, and Devin chased them all away.
It’s a testament to just how badly Devin squandered the goodwill of the house that they voted for him unanimously even after Caleb spent the week descending into lovesick stalkerdom. For you see, Caleb has been beguiled by the modeling charms of Amber, a young woman who has spent the better part of two weeks saying endless variations of the phrase “No, Caleb, I will not go out with you.” Because Caleb has the body of an inflatable Jeremy Renner sumo doll, it was strange to see him devolve into an obsessive schoolboy crush. But so he did: Putting one blanket on the sleeping Amber, then another, then telling Hayden, “Boy, the things a guy does to get a date, huh?” And Hayden nodded and nodded and turned to the camera, clearly praying that America was just as confused as him.
The Caleb situation built to a crisis point. Amber and Cody have been spending more time together. Amber began to confess her innermost self—for although it is true that she comes from a land deep beneath the sea, from the glowing world of water nymphs and narwhal-frog hybrids, it is also true that even water nymphs get lonely. She was in a relationship for a long time; now she is not. “I’ve gotten used to always having somebody,” she said. Cody rubbed her kneecap. “I could be somebody,” he said. He rubbed her kneecap. “I was waitin’ for you to do this,” said Amber, kneecappishly. In walked Caleb, out walked Caleb. Cody was getting nervous.
And Now, The Ongoing Saga of Hayden and Nicole, The Cutest Little Ninth Graders in Grown-Up Bodies
Nicole: “It’s nice having a boy to cuddle with!”
Hayden: “You wanna kiss?”
Nicole: “GROSS. Are you a good kisser?
Hayden: “Yuh huh.”
Nicole: “What if you weren’t, and nobody ever told ya?”
Nicole: “You’re, like, one of the nicest guys in the world, I think.”
Hayden: “You smell pretty.”
Nicole: “I showered today!”
Hayden: “Your hair smells good. Can I eat it?”
Nicole: “No, gross! Hey, did you know that I can name all the state capitals?”
Hayden: “Nuh uh.”
Nicole: “Yuh huh!”
Cody was having a change of heart. Maybe because he thinks Caleb is a threat. Maybe because, all in all, he’d prefer the chance to smooch Amber without the possibility that he’ll turn around and find the crazy guy from The Town staring at him with those crazy Renner eyes, those eyes that seem to say “I want to kill you” and “I love you” all at once.
Cody talked to Devin. Devin vibed penitent. Last week, he basically told the house: “I will pull off your skulls with my bare hands, and drink your blood out of the skulls I tore off.” This week, he talked about his daughter and he talked about rehab and he talked about redemption. He found Cody at the right moment. Cody told Zach Rance that he was thinking of leading the charge against Caleb. Zach Rance was intrigued. “I had a dream that Caleb went home,” said Zach. “And in that dream, my father ascended up to this vile plane from our kingdom that lies the fifth malebolge, and my father named me king of this disgusting planet, and then he gave me some scratch and I went to DSW and bought some sweet neon kicks, bro, they lit up with my name whenever I did the moonwalk.”
He was on board, it seemed. Zach cannot abide weakness above all. Caleb was letting Amber cloud his judgment. See below:
So then Zach told Frankie, and Frankie told Christine, and Frankie told Derrick, and Japheth begat Magog, and Magog begat Tommen (first of his name), and everyone agreed that they wanted Caleb out. Things weren’t looking good for Beast Mode Cowboy or Beastmo Cowboy or whatever the hell he’s calling himself.
Key points from last night’s Big Brother: Donny’s parents do not watch Big Brother; they seem to have not experienced any aspect of pop culture since before their son was born. (They like Gunsmoke and Bonanza. Gunsmoke went off the air almost 40 years ago.) Donny’s brother is a teacher with only one arm who is very nearly as charming as Donny himself. Donny’s sisters seem like a fun, sassy couple of gals—you can tell they’re the funny ones in the family. Also, Donny’s girlfriend:
So yeah, guys, Donny is what happens when you cross Jimmy Stewart with the Most Interesting Man In The World.
Serious question: Are the Big Brother producers forcing the contestants to wear the brightest neon Day-Glo colors possible to accentuate the HD? If so: I love it. If not: I love it. I’ve heard some rumblings that this is the Hipster Season of Big Brother, but it really feels more like everyone took the five coolest colors of 1989 and turned those colors into a wardrobe. And yes, “Jams” counts as a color. As evidence, consider Caleb T. Calebsson, shown below wearing scarves colored Cerulean Blue and Human Growth Hormone Orange:
Devin made a passionate plea, but too late: Whatever Cody tried to do, it didn’t get done. Cody looked frustrated when he voted Devin out; but vote Devin out he did, along with every other member of the cast. People hugged Devin, and Brittany handed him a little heart for his daughter: This is one of the more effusive casts in recent history. (After a few weeks with these people, last year’s cast looks even more toxic.) Devin had his own theories about why he left: “People that play hard tend to go out early.” Zach Rance had a different theory: “You’re possibly the worst player in Big Brother history,” he said in his farewell.
The new Head of Household competition randomly paired off two people and forced them to carry tiny eggs through a cage. When we left off, Amber–Zach Rance and Cody–Frankie were in the lead. It will be interesting to see how the house shifts now that The Great Nemesis Of All That Is has exited. Caleb looks like the next guy in the sniper scope—certainly, a win for Cody would instigate that. Personally, I’m rooting for Zach Rance: The boy’s been talking a big game, but it’s time to see if he truly is the demon offspring of Evel Dick and Mike Boogie, or just a dude with a big mouth and a perfect pink hat.
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