Witness Donny, the last of the American boys. Witness a man who has spent his time in the Big Brother house straight-shootin’, straight-talkin’, straight-up just being the best Donny he can be. Witness Donny, betrayed. Your ole boy Donny ain’t no kind of fool, America. Christine tried to throw a competition, and he threw a victory right back in her face. To what end? He’s all alone now, and he knows it. “I been nothin’ but nice to these people,” said Donny. “I’m sure they were all in on it.”
Imagine Donny as an average man in an average small town, incredible only because he wants to be a good man. Imagine such a person waking up one day and realizing, with absolute certainty, that everyone around him was lying. The nice girl with the glasses, the nice young man with the pink hair, the big dumb shaven minotaur in the tank top who keeps referring to himself as “Beast Mode Cowboy” like that’s a thing anyone will ever take seriously, Travolta-With-Real-Hair: It turns out they’re all liars. It’s like that scene in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “Young Goodman Brown,” when local All-American everyman Goodman Brown discovers that everyone from his quiet peaceful village is secretly a lizard-person or whatever. And now Young Goodman Donny needs to play it cool with the lizard-people. He needs to pretend that he’s not planning one last Gunfight at the OK Corral.
So Donny is getting strategic. And of course, in his inimitable Donny fashion, Donny can only really be “strategic” when he’s helping someone else, and he can only really help someone who badly doesn’t deserve his help. So Donny walked up to Zach and told him: “I sure hope you play in the veto competition, and I sure hope you keep the veto to yourself.” Donny knew that Zach thought he was safe; Donny knew that he wasn’t.
Zach was confused. Zach doesn’t understand straight talk like this. Zach’s been rolling with his crew of Master Of The Universe badass bro dudes all season. He’s like a banker at Lehman Brothers who’s been living high on the hog, flying helicopters into swimming pools on weeknights before consuming a wild array of beluga caviar cocaine cocktails on the company dime. Now imagine such a figure waking up one morning and seeing James Stewart in his cowboy phase standing over him, extending a hand in friendship, telling him: “You know something, Zach? You’re nobody’s best friend. And you’re everyone’s worst friend. And you sure aren’t looking too good.”
Could Donny redeem Zach? Could #Zonny throw a wrench in The Detonators’ slow, steady march to complete domination? Could Donny not stare straight into the camera and make a funny face right as Derrick walks into the room, thus confirming for absolutely no reason that Donny knows everyone is lying to his face? Alas, the answer to all those questions is the same, and it ain’t “yes.”
Team America Assemble! After a couple off weeks, the Derrick-Donny-Frankie secret alliance reformed to undertake a mission that wouldn’t completely destroy their game if it went wrong. The mission initially seemed simple: Steal a personal item from each of the houseguests and get the house to agree to a Neighborhood Watch. Team America overdelivered and stole everyone’s persona-defying possession: Cody’s blue flowered hat, Zach’s Gator shirt, Caleb’s cowboy boots, the flying green man that only Victoria can see, the magical gem that Christine keeps in her back pocket that forces everyone to form an alliance with her for no apparent reason.
They hid the swag near the trashcans. They waited for someone to notice it was missing. They did not have to wait long.
A very special visitor arrived in the house: Zingbot! This is Zingbot’s fifth outing on Big Brother, although some theorists have proposed that Zingbot has always been on Big Brother–indeed, that Zingbot existed before Big Brother, that Zingbot will outlive Big Brother, that in some distant future epoch long after humanity has faded into oblivion and all that remains is a statue of Caleb astride a horse emblazoned with the legend “He Came, He Saw, He Creeped Amber Out,” that still there will be Zingbot walking alone across the ruined landscape that was once Earth, zinging the cockroaches.
But there was something different about Zingbot. “You all look more attractive… in person! PROPS!” he screamed. “Donny, I love your beard… but I wish it didn’t cover your handsome face! PROPS!” What madness was this? What horrors had befallen Zingbot? Had fatherhood changed him so? “Come on, Zingbot, this ain’t you,” said Caleb.
That’s when Kathy Griffin walked into the Big Brother house, and this is what happened to Frankie when Kathy Griffin walked into the Big Brother house:
Kathy Griffin got off some good jabs. She said a funny joke about Caleb and Amber, and she pointed out that Christine’s glasses have oversold her intelligence. She told Victoria: “I would zing you, but I’m only supposed to zing people… that are actually playing the game!” Victoria didn’t understand what was happening. “I don’t understand what that talking rosebush is getting at!” exclaimed Victoria. “I’ve been playing this game since day one! We’re playing JumpRope, right guys? Oh my god, guys, I just realized that I stopped jumping like two months ago!”
Kathy also got a good line off about everyone’s favorite sorta-mance. “What do you call someone who’s not afraid to cry, wears pink, and cuddles with men?” she asked. “You call them… ZACH!” Then she walked over to Zach’s face, and I’m fairly certain she said: “Zing, bitch!” Then she opened up the pod bay doors and blasted Zach into outer space.
NEXT: The Veto Competish