Darren Franich
August 23, 2012 AT 03:00 AM EDT

Big Brother

TV Show
Reality TV
Julie Chen
Current Status
In Season

Frank and Boogie were not happy. They were not happy to be on the block. They were not happy to discover that the knives in their back were covered in Silent Six fingerprints. They were not happy with Shane’s stammering explanatory speech: “You have prizes, and you have quizzes, and, uh, ultimately clues, uh, the Iraq everywhere, like such as, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children. Shane!” They were not happy. Frank explained, “Being up on the block against my best friend and ally is just devastating.” Frank and Boogie always knew their good times couldn’t last. They knew that Big Brother operates according to old-school Double Dragon rules: If you choose to fight through the lair of the Black Warriors with your best friend by your side, you ultimately have to fight that best friend for the love of Marian. (In this metaphor, Marian = $500k.) But they expected to go down fighting each other, brother versus brother. Not this ignoble early exit, without even a spot in the jury purgatory.

Frank and Boogie would not sit silent in their shame. They walked upstairs to the HoH throneroom, holding metaphorical cricket bats, and asked Shane why he did what he done. They knew Shane couldn’t have plotted this power move by himself. Shane is so so handsome, but so so incapable of thinking for himself. Shane stuttered his way through an explanation. “I switched my decision at the last minute,” he said. “Joe told me to! And the Question Mark Glass Box! And Dr. Spaceman wouldn’t give me the blue pills for my brain-juice!”

The cross-analysis went kind of like this:

Boogie: Was it Britney?

Shane: I’m not gonna say. Britney and I work together, and I trust her, but I’m not gonna say.

Frank: So it was Britney.

Shane: Ummm, Shane no have a good social game. Shane just know how to win competitions. Shane only pawn in game of life.

So Shane walked downstairs and told Britney that he maybe might have just possibly accidentally mentioned her name at one point in the interrogation. Britney was horrified. “For you to throw me under the bus, and act like it was a little bit my fault makes me a huge, huge target for them.” Shane argued that he didn’t really throw her under the bus, like such as. It was more like the bus was coming down the street, and Shane accidentally bumped into Britney, and then he picked up a megaphone and yelled “Britney did it! It was Britney!” And then, yes, okay, he threw her under the bus.

Britney ran to Chilltown 2.0 to explain herself. She had no control over Shane, she argued. She did allow, however, that she had heard something about Boogie wanting someone to make a big move against…someone. It was remarkable to watch this all happen, really. All Shane had to do was keep quiet. And if Shane couldn’t keep quiet, all Britney had to do was keep quiet. But Britney only made matters worse. When Boogie asked her where she was getting her information, Britney clammed up. She said she had her sources. She held up an envelope and said, “I hold in my hand a list of 7 names, 7 people who told me that Boogie was plotting against me and Shane.” Boogie and Frank laughed her out of the bedroom. Ian walked in and asked what was up. Frank and Boogie told him that Dan was to blame. “Don’t let Dan fool you, son,” said Boogs. “That’s f’real,” said Frank, “Don’t let him fool you, dog.” And Ian put his head down on his pillow and smiled, the wolf in geek’s clothing.

Dan knew that it was all going to hell. “If I expose our mole, Ian, the whole alliance will crumble,” he said. The four members of the Quack Pack who were also on The Silent Six decided to move against Chilltown all because of the information Ian was feeding them. If they threw Ian under the bus, the Quack Pack was finished. It would be a race to the bottom: Who would make a deal with Boogie first? The traitor Ian, newly betrayed? Britney, she of the schizophrenic loyalties? Shane, who made a long-ago three-man deal with Boogie and Frank? Dan, who comes with Danielle as a package meatshield?

Frank and Boogie cornered Shane and Britney and Dan and tried to hash it out. They asked Dan point blank if he was behind all of this. Dan swore: “On my wife, on Chelsea, it didn’t come out of my mouth.” “Then out of whose mouth did it come?” asked Boogie. Dan looked blankly into space, dreaming of a far-away playing field, of a team left uncoached. His silence spoke volumes to Boogie. Dan stayed strong, but he asked Britney: “Do you want me to take the heat on this one?” In just a few hours, cracks in the Quack Pack were starting to show. (Don’t be surprised if Dan tries to foment a floater counter-revolution. Jenn, Smashley, and Joe are useless right now; with a double eviction looming, they might just become a solid voting bloc.)

Important Rhetorical Question: Fellow viewers, the house is currently a bloodbath because the Quack Pack decided to strike against Mike and Boogie. There are plenty of reasons for this. Dan knew that Frank was considering putting him up last week; Britney has always been skeptical of Mike Boogie. But the main reason is all comes down to one single exchange: Mike Boogie asked Ian who he would, theoretically, put up if he became HoH, and the first two names he threw out were Shane and Britney. Now, maybe this speaks volumes to you. To me, whenever they play the footage, it looks like Boogie is just trying to offer some minor coaching advice to a player he considers useless. Like: “Hey man, you might win HoH. Who would you put up? Let me suggest a couple players who I am allied with, but who — as far as I know — you are not allied with.” This information then got filtered through two separate games of Broken Telephone: The one that plays inside of Ian’s brain, and the one that plays between the rest of the world and Britney’s ears. By the time they reached the Quack Pack, Boogie was planning a mass kamikaze assault that would torpedo the whole Silent Six. So my question is: Was Shane right to trust Ian? Or did the Big Brother uber-geek accidentally torpedo a powerful alliance — and, possibly, set himself up shockingly well — because of some idle conversation?

NEXT: Candyland.

( 1 of 3 )

You May Like