Darren Franich
August 11, 2011 AT 04:15 AM EDT

Big Brother

TV Show
Reality TV
Julie Chen
Current Status
In Season

LAWON!!! Did you doubt ever doubt this man? This man, with the impeccable neon tie collection? This man, with the orange socks? This man, who the Navajo would nickname “He-Who-Whispers-Like-Thunder”? The best black gay man in the Big Brother house? Did you ever think for a second that this man — this myth, this beast, this Lawon — came to this party without his dancing shoes? Then, my fellow viewers, you were wrong…dead wrong. We have seen the truth. Lawon may be certifiably insane. But after a month spent living in a house that smells like man-sweat and lady tears, everyone on Big Brother is insane. They’ve all ascended to Lawon’s level. He is the answer to all their prayers. Some of you may think that he made the worst move in the history of the show. But to win big, sometimes you have to gamble big. And, in gambling terms, Lawon just took all his money out of the bank, bet half of it on Black, invested in the other half in the Greek economy, and then announced his plans to fly a paper airplane to Jupiter.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Last night’s episode of Big Brother began in the aftermath of the nomination ceremony. Rachel was bickering with Daniele. But their status in the house had so completely shifted in just over a week. Rachel was the old, deposed Queen, reduced to mumbling obscenities as she begged for food; Daniele was the new Empress, escorted by her honor guard of Newbies. Rachel was abandoned. Her darling Bukie was crying somewhere far away; her old friend Porsche had spat in her face, preferring bedroom giggle-fests with Dani. Only Shelly remained to try and get Rachel to calm down: “Don’t chase her, please! Please keep yourself under control! You have more class than this!”

I was skeptical about Shelly, since the show had painted her so far as a professional floater. But last night, she seemed to me like a badass gunslinger type, following her own moral code even as she ably played all sides of the house against each other. “On a personal level, I don’t like to see people self-destruct,” she explained — and I believe that. (My working theory is that Shelly’s Big Brother gameplay style is mostly based on the Akira Kurosawa samurai classic Yojimbo. I’ll discuss this theory more as it develops.)

Rachel was not swayed by gunslinger Shelly. She cried about her problems to Jordan. In turn, Rachel seems to be rubbing off on Jordan: Usually an even-keeled adorable muppet mascot, Jordan accused Shelly of betrayal. Shelly has basically backstabbed everyone but Jorff, so she was stormed out. Jordan started crying. Jeff aptly summed up the week: “I can’t take anymore women crying! What is wrong with you guys! You guys have your periods, you start crying…”

If you think about it, Jeff probably feels a bit like the last man left standing in the house. For all of Adam’s rock-metal posturing, he’s become this season’s Mr. Invisible, popping up two or three times an episode to say something that sounds simultaneously very practiced and very unfunny. (Question: Do you find it very sad or very funny that Adam probably thinks he is an audience favorite?) Lawon, as discussed above, is an extraterrestrial Day-Glo being composed of pure energy. (I have discovered exclusive footage of Lawon’s true form here.) Small wonder that Jeff decided to give one of his trademark halftime speeches, which I have rendered in full below:

“I want people to step up and make their own decisions. Vietnam! Let’s go! I’m gonna die out there for you! But if you go against me, then draw a line, and let’s go to war! Aye, fight, and you may die. Flee, and you may live. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance to come back here and tell Daniele…that she may take our lives…but she’ll never take…our freedom!

It was inspiring. No one was inspired.

NEXT: Was anyone inspired? No, they were not. Or were they?

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