Sonja Flemming/CBS
Kevin P. Sullivan
July 21, 2011 AT 05:35 AM EDT

I think we all learned a little something about life during tonight’s episode of Big Brother. Those of you who think crying in a bush is cool, Kalia put you in your place. It is, in fact, “lame.” Go find somewhere else to cry, lame-o’s! The entire world found out that 13 is “a snake and a liar,” something that was only privy to Rachel until she uncovered—what I can only assume—is a dastardly plot. (13 is up for eviction this week, and Cowboys and Aliens hits theaters a week from Friday. Coincidence? You naïve fool.)

I learned that in my ideal version of the show all of the competitions would play out per usual, but nothing would be televised. For each episode, Lawon would recap the week’s events in his unparalleled stream of consciousness. It would explode!

Most importantly, we all learned that if a group of individuals is dumb enough and pitted against each other, the whole thing will eventually invert on itself, become intelligent and unravel in a Hitchcockian fashion. With last night’s episode, Big Brother has reached that low.

Our tale began last week after Keith crazied his way out of the house, leaving his throne of paranoid insanity vacant. Rachel made an innocent trip to the Regulators’ club house to talk current events, when 13 blindsided her by saying that not everyone likes Porsche. (You don’t like people who always talk like the actresses in a D-grade infomercial?) This turned out to be enough for Rachel, who interpreted the comment as a sign of something wicked this way coming.

Not everyone was so quick to declare 13 the spawn of Satan. Jordan didn’t understand Rachel’s hatred, suggesting it was 13’s beauty and status as a model that made the already crazy woman go crazier. As HOH, Jordan wasn’t so sure going after 13 was the right idea; she didn’t want to be “Two-Face.” She’s right. That’s Lowan’s job.

NEXT: We learn the definition of “insanity”

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