Last night, I turned on my television, pumped that I was about to invest way too much of my summer consumed with the goings-on of 14 people way too prepared to show their parents how far they’ve come in life by boinking on live TV when they’re not wearing banana suits. But then, I realized my local CBS channel had gone mute, providing me with no sound whatsoever. I raced across town to watch the Big Brother premiere at my parents’ apartment (dedication, folks!), and soon learned why my television had stopped airing sound. It was attempting to save me from that laugh.
You know what I’m talking about. That high-pitched cackle that acts as a siren song to Ph.D. candidates dumb enough to send naked photos to women that aren’t their girlfriends. That laugh that is used so inappropriately, it’s not out of the question that its host would follow news of your dog’s death with it. It’s the laugh of one-half of the science-loving, hate-inviting season 12 duo of Rachel and Brendon, who, as we learned, are now engaged and hoping you purchase pretzels and dips off their registry when you’re not watching them terrorize the season 13 house along with two other duos of familiar faces.
As we know, that is the twist this season — our eight new houseguests (who we will discuss shortly) are joined by three pairs of former players: There’s the aforementioned Rachel and Brendon. There’s Jeff and Jordan, who — based on Jordan’s inability to correctly calculate how long they’ve been dating — are still as dumb and adorable as a rock sitting on a puppy’s head. And then there’s (sigh…do I really have to write these names?) Evel Dick and Daniele, the latter of whom has become a brunette, and the former of whom still is pretty much the most terrible person on television. (Oh, wait… ) And I’m even counting on the fact that the two are lying about not having spoken in three years.
NEXT: Welcome to the jungle!