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So the Blonde Battalion was running away with the week-one game. They were loving every minute of it. Janelle came back into the house seeking vengeance against Boogie. Britney came back into the house seeking vengeance on the entire male race. They were both riding a wave of populist adoration. They both won the America’s Choice consolation prize. Britney won because everyone loves a sassy southern girl who can bitch like an east coast liberal elite Bravo executive. Janelle won because everyone loves a strong self-sufficient woman and also boobs. And now they were running the house. Boogie’s strongest player was on the block, and all Boogie could do was wear funny T-shirts. Dan’s most likable player was on the block, and all Dan could do was assure her, “Don’t worry, honey, everyone loves you, you’re gonna be a star.”
So Janelle and Britney were celebrating their week-one victory. They poured out a couple cups of wine and had a good bathroom cackle. “We’re leading the witch hunt on Dan and Boogie,” they laughed. Janelle was wearing an unnecessary bikini. Britney did her best imitation of herself: “Willie, Dan and Boogie are coming after you!” They laughed again. No one was coming after Willie. No one cares that he’s the brother of Russell Hantz — lots of people are brothers of lots of people. Britney and Janelle were fearmongering their own players. You get the vibe that the coaches think these new Big Brother contestants are all just saps, puppies, puppets, puppy puppets.
Over on the bleak side of the house, the male coaches were commiserating. “Team Blonde is a reality,” said Dan. “If we go out as coaches before these two girls…” Yes, truly a horrible thought, that two washed-up old winners could stumble back into the house expecting an easy victory, only to be undone by the oldest trick in the book. The first alliance isn’t always the best alliance. But the first alliance always makes it past week one. And if you can’t make it past week one, who are you? Boogie tried to pull out some veteran knowledge. He told Frank that Kara was going to freak out. “Hopefully she does what a lot of girls do. Especially the first girl nominated: They go into their shell. Let her cry! Let her cry!”
At the veto draw, Frank begged the gods of reality television not to select Danielle and Shane as his competition. The draw came out: “Danielle and Shane!” Kara knew that Danielle had her back. So she walked over to Shane. “Hey, can we talk?” she asked. “In private?” she specified. They went into the Andy Warhol Vortex Room for a quick chat. Kara’s mind was focused on strategy. Shane’s mind was focused on Kara. “With Kara being so cute, if she wants to come talk to me, I’m there,” said Shane. (I should point out that, at one point in this episode, Shane suddenly had a confessional faux-hawk and perfect stubble. He looked like a man in the process of transforming into David Beckham circa 2002.) Then Frank tried to woo Shane into an alliance. “You and I are the main targets in this house,” said Frank. “You’re jacked, dude,” agreed Shane. Just a couple dudes, duding out in the kitchen.
Meanwhile, Boogie went upstairs to kiss Britney’s ring. I’ll be intrigued to see how the player-coach dynamic works in future weeks, when the Head of Household is an actual person and not the De Vito half of a Twins brother cloning experiment. Right now, Britney is like one of those popes who basically ran the Holy Roman Empire while the Emperor was hosting month-long orgies in Tuscany. Boogie knows this. Boogie’s tragedy this season is that he has a perfect read on the situation, and has no idea how to properly react to it. He’s like a brilliant multi-lingual man who just suffered a brain hemorrhage, and now he can read perfect English but can only speak Finnish.
Boogie smiled his old Boogie smile, looking for all the world like Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross. “Nice to meet you!” he laughed gleefully. He acted as if meeting Mike Boogie on Day 6 of a Big Brother season is a holy Sacrament. “You might feel it’s girls against boys,” he said. “Are Janelle’s people off-limits?” Pope Britney ate some Cheez-its and said nothing. “I’m going to put my foot forward,” said Boogie, putting his foot in his mouth, “If Frank comes off, and Jenn is the other nominee, I will know what game I’m playing.”
Pope Britney laughed in his face. “Boogie tries to intimidate me,” she confided. “His little tactics do not rattle me, do not phase me.” This was a delirious strategy mishap for Boogie. This wasn’t quite Ned Stark giving Cersei a five-day head start, but it was close. Even worse was to come, though. Britney told Janelle about Boogie’s sleazebag move. Then Boogie walked over and made an offer to Janelle. “Here’s Dan’s head on a platter,” he said, “Do you want to claim his left retina? It goes great with Tabasco.” Boogie sold out his only close ally. Janelle told Dan, so now Dan hates Boogie, too.
NEXT: It all comes out in the wash. At least, that’s what the dirty people always say.