Pradha Mitchell woke in the morning nude and thoughtful. She perambulated in the altogether, her mind dark with bleak possibility. There were fearful rumors. There were unconfirmed sightings of British ships. Long ago, when her father first arrived at Pirate Island, it was populated entirely by leprous mole-people who used rat feces as food and as money. Now, Pirate Island was a burgeoning city of thieves. That could all disappear in a moment. Her naked fear was palpable, and also she herself was naked.
Fortunately, she wasn’t alone. Her raven-haired lover Fifi LaRue called her to bed. She told Pradha to calm down. She suggested that Pradha divest herself of her father’s support, and go into business for herself. It was just like that scene in Friends’ first season when Rachel took a scissor to her parents’ credit cards, if Rachel had then proceeded to make out with Monica while Ross chopped Gunther’s head off with a sword. Pradha had to leave. “You’re too tense, ma cherie,” said Fifi frenchly. “Perhaps I can relieve your tension, oui oui oui?” Tension was relieved, sexily.
But not everyone was lucky enough to start the morning in bed. Some people were dead. Specifically, poor old Baritone Charlie, the would-be new Captain of the good ship Walrus, whose corpse has currently taken up residence on the ship’s main deck. His body serves dual purpose: It reminds people not to steal, and it’s also a one-of-a-kind non-flush toilet. (Since Baritone Charlie was one of my fifteen favorite characters, I’m hoping Black Sails goes full supernatural around episode and brings him back as some kind of zombie merman.)
Of course, the actual thief was Short John Silver, a fact which remained a secret for one whole minute. Then Captain Flint said: “Say, fellas is there anyone onboard this ship who could be the thief?” And trusty quartermaster Baldo McMutton responded: “Well, we searched everyone from that ship we robbed last episode…except for that one guy we didn’t search, you know, the guy with the perm.” “The guy with the perfect white teeth?” asked Captain Flint. Responded Baldo: “Sir, we all have perfect white teeth. This is Fun History. Speaking of which, has anyone seen any boobs lately?” They hadn’t, so when John Silver fled ashore, they happily followed him.
Meanwhile, we got to spend some time with Captain Vane’s crew. Let’s get down to brass tacks here, guys: The Walrus pirates are cool and all, but Captain Vane has a crew of badasses. Like, Flint’s crew is Street Fighter and Captain Vane’s crew is Super Street Fighter II Turbo. And the “Turbo” is Porno Sturridge. I don’t think I properly realized this last week, but Porno Sturridge is the most important character on this show. He has the facial hair of a ska bassist and the cranial hair of a guy in the front row of a Sex Pistols concert, but his accent sounds uncannily like Rex Harrison’s singing voice.
And it turns out that he has his own designs on power. He thinks Captain Vane is tanking. Y’see, Vane used to be boyfriend-girlfriend with Pradha Mitchell, and she used to give Vane’s pirates the Glengarry leads. Since they broke up, they’ve gotten nothing. So Porno Sturridge grabbed a few thousand dollars’ worth of pearls and made for Pradha Mitchell’s pleasure palace. Meanwhile, Vane went to go chat with his onetime lady crush. “Hey listen, it’s great to see you,” he said. “You look good. We’re both much happier now, right? Man, this is so awkward! Anyhow, can we just move on past the ‘you hate me’ part of this, and agree to be professional?”
Pradha Mitchell was just not having it. “I don’t f—ing like the way you run your f—ing ship. Your men are f—ing animals, and you f—ing encourage it, like the c—t—-ing piece of m—g—-ing s— that you are, you f—. You’re so vain, Yursa Vane.” Then she said the f-word like fifty more times, and when Vane didn’t get the message, she actually played him an old piano ditty, a classic pirate break-up song:
Oh farewell to you, my Pretty!
We’ve gone our separate ways,
And though you are quite witty
Next time I see you I’m gonna rip your eyes out with a lobster claw.
Captain Vane stormed out, getting the message sort of.
NEXT: Greek mythology is referenced openly