Bonjour, mes amis. The last episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, if you can recall all the way back to two weeks ago, dealt with a missing dog. (And Holt’s fear of losing Kevin. Also: Adrian and Rosa’s creepy sexual energy.) This week’s episode dealt with what we’ll call the opposite of a missing cat. Kittens were popping up everywhere around the precinct. This was something that tickled Jake and tortured Terry. Why this aggressive assault of adorable? Because Sarge botched a case back in the day — no, not when he was fat and called “Terry Titties,” but when he rocked a flat-top and was a rookie detective in the 6-5.
A step up from “Cheddar,” the entertaining “Terry Kitties” (title game on point) unspooled the story of how Terry took his partners on a busted bust, busting into the apartment of a suspect who he believed had committed a string of B&Es by climbing into his victims’ apartments through high-rise windows. There was the suspect, sitting in a wheelchair; apparently he snapped his spine in a trapeze accident two years prior. Adding panic to embarassment, Terry tried to pin it on the guy’s cat, causing his fellow detectives to begin their reign of adorable terror, razzing him over the years by sending him feline reminders. Terry’s hulking size gives him a natural (and comedic) dominance, but the show has found laughs when it has played against that, slotting him into the role of beaten-down beta. (See: his relationship with brother-in-law, Zeke). And this story line proved to be kooky comedy catnip, as Sarge had to relive that hapless mishap by interacting with the 6-5, and the only outlet for his frustrated anger was to lash out at cuddly kittens (see: punchline No. 3) while Jake treated the cats as part of his ragtag crew (see punchine No. 9). In the end, Terry was able to acquit himself with the help of Jake, who deduced from the wheelchair-bound suspect’s sneakers that the dude was actually faking this injury. (Alas, the suspect’s now-deceased cat got away with it. I like to think that Terry pictures this cat as a diabolical mastermind — the way Jake viewed Cheddar — with occasional cutaways of this cat frolicking to happy Cheddar music.)
Speaking of beaten-down betas, Charles had his hands full this week. Full of weird and lacking a home, Adrian took advantage of Charles’ hospitality/meekness, becoming his new inconsiderate, deer-skinning roommate. Gina tried to help Charles just say no to bullying, but that did not go well, and the plot seemed resolved as Gina stepped in, out-intimidated Adrian, and made him pay one night’s rent and apologize to Charles. Then came the cunning twist: When Gina cocksuredly explained to Charles that Adrian just needed to be “alpha’d,” Charlies slyly and rhetorically asked, “Is that what happened, or did I just beta you into protecting me,” leaving Gina checkmated. Charles Boyle: You beta believe he knows himself.
The other story line involved a bomb-diffusing class that pitted Amy and Rosa against each other. While Holt scolded the pair for their petty competitiveness, he ultimately showed himself to be more competitive than both of them combined in a surge of I-win-and-you-can-both-suck-it juvenile behavior that felt incongruous with his stoic, oversensible character, a man who just recently wished that the sky were tan.
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Time’s a ticking, so let’s have an HR person remind us all about workplace boundaries, gain 3 pounds in Paris, pour a bowl of Nørtflüskers bran circles, stay out of the kitchen for the next 48 hours, never speak of the window ledge freakout, arrest a pinecone, assemble the cat squad, and recap the best lines of “Terry Kitties.”
9. “Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank. And I should know. You probably won’t believe this, but…I was bullied in high school for being too handsome… You’re right, it was for setting crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate, shake it off. Taylor Swift. Always right.” —Jake, trying to make Terry feel better
8. “Counterpoint: You two make an adorable couple. Might I suggest putting him in a mug and pretending to take a sip? [Off Terry’s exit] Terry? Are you stopping off to do my thing?” —Jake to Terry, after he says that he’s going to put the cat that he calls an “evil little turd” up for adoption (*Feline-based runner-up: “Don’t listen to him! You’re part of something much bigger than yourselves [blows kisses to the kittens].” —Jake to Terry, after Terry said he wanted to grind up the kittens and shove them down the throats of the detectives in the 6-5)
7. “Hey, Chuck! Will you bring these to the dry cleaner? Tell ‘em the red stains are blood and the brown stains are…uh, let’s say blood.” — Adrian to Charles, handing him a pile of laundry (*Honorable mention: “All right, you’re on. And I’ll have you know that ‘threadhead’ is a glowing compliment in the sewing community. If you wanted to insult me, you should have called me a ‘stitch skipper.’ [Rosa calls her a stitch skipper] Oh, I handed it to you!” —Amy to Rosa, who bets her 20 bucks that she’ll beat her in the bomb-diffusing class and calls her a “threadhead”)
6. “Santiago, Diaz, enough! This is not about who’s fastest. This is a bomb-dismantling class. We are police officers, not street urchins playing speed chess in the park! For shame!” —Holt
5. “The Club International of Brighton Beach International Club? ‘International’ and ‘club’ are both in the name twice. Terry, this place sleazy!” —Jake to Terry, as they trail a suspect who walks into that establishment
4. “Never skip ear day, Jake.” —Terry to Jake, who praised him by saying, “You have more muscles in your ears than I have in my entire body”
3. “What up, Jake? Why are these dicks out of their cage? —Terry to Jake, seeing the kittens on the desk
2. “All right, listen, I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that’s been stepped on, but mine is the mighty wolf.” —Gina to Charles (*Wolf-themed runner-up: “I need a wolf name… Virginal Woolf. Well, I’m not going to be her lame husband, Leonard.” —Charles to Gina)
1. “Big deal. I worked at a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.” —Gina to Adrian, who just told her that she couldn’t intimidate him, as Jimmy the butcher cut off his little toe with garden shears and made him eat it as a loyalty test