I didn’t think Celebrity Apprentice could get any more ludicrous than Gene Simmons repeating “It’s a Kodak world” ad nauseam back in season 1. But I was wrong. When Vincent Pastore engineered — and then aborted — a mafia-like “rat” scheme that same year, I was positive that was the height of absurdity. But I was wrong. When, in season 2, country superstar Clint Black made an advertisement insinuating that he used detergent to masturbate — and let’s just repeat that for emphasis: country superstar Clint Black made an advertisement insinuating that he used detergent to masturbate — I was sure we’d never see anything as ridiculous ever again. But I was wrong. When Rod Blagojevich showed up in season 3 and attempted to master the complexities of Microsoft Word, I was convinced that nothing could get any dumber that that. But I was wrong.
Because let’s turn our attention to Hope Dworaczyk. Yes, I had to just Google her last name. Seeing as how I am not a regular reader of Playboy, I was unfamiliar with her… ahem, assets. And to say she has made no impression whatsoever through five weeks of Celebrity Apprentice would be the understatement of the century — if Hope could even figure out what century this is! We know why she was cast on the show: Trump always has a lingerie model or Playboy bunny on hand every season. But why is she still there? She’s clearly done nothing and, even worse, she’s boring! Why in the name of cluck, cluck, splash has Trump kept her around all these weeks?
Now we know. The Trumpster knew there was an Australian Gold sunscreen challenge coming up in week 6 and damn if he was going to get rid of his buxom beauty before she stripped down to her skivvies! Whoever was Project Manager wouldn’t be able to resist getting the Playmate of the Year in a bikini to sell some sunscreen. Hell, it’s not like she would refuse. A bikini is overdressed for her! It was only a matter of time before Hope’s girls came out to play. I knew it. You knew it. Even Meat Loaf knew it. “We’re just fighting cleavage with cleavage,” said Mr. Loaf about the men’s attempt to combat Hope’s boobs by hiring their own scantily clad beauties.
There’s just one person who didn’t realize this: La Toya Jackson. Instead of allowing an eager —maybe too eager, actually — Hope to get naked and draw in horny tourists to their sunscreen display, La Toya insisted on hiring a model — a model who is not the Playmate of the Year, I’d like to add — instead, so Hope could stand around playing volleyball IN HER CLOTHES! What made this even more odd is that you would think that La Toya — herself appearing to be in possession of some purchased breasts —of all people would appreciate the power of ginormous gazongas.
This led to perhaps the funniest moment of the entire episode, with the female Australian Gold executive commenting that, “It was a disappointment that Hope was wearing a jacket.” In essence: forget feminism, family values, and age-appropriate decency — we want that chick that poses nude for Hugh Hefner taking all of her clothes off…and preferably straddling a Koala bear if at all possible. “Being a Playmate of the Year, we thought this would be great opportunity for her to be front and center there drawing a crowd,” said the exec in what had to be one of the most humiliating things to ever come out of her mouth.
No wonder she apparently wasn’t offended by Gary Busey’s lewd comments concerning her lotion, which conveniently brings us to…the Five Most Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of the Week!
NEXT: Gary Busey feels “sexual”