Hi. How’s it going? I’m fine. Back hurts. Otherwise, I guess okay. Hold on a second. Need to yawn. Yaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnn. There. I just yawned. So how’s it going? Oh, I asked that already, didn’t I? Hmmm. Don’t have much else to say. Guess I’ll just sit here for a while. Have to sit. Can’t stand. Back hurts too much.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes my impersonation of Paul Teutul Sr. writing a Celebrity Apprentice recap. Not exactly what I would call a “high energy guy” is he, that Paul Teutul Sr.? Hell, I’ve seen more vim and vigor at my mother-in-law’s senior citizen housing complex. A senior citizen housing complex that goes by the name of Leisure Village, for crissakes! What the hell happened to that guy? I mean, besides the bad back. Don’t get me wrong — Paul was never Mr. Excitement, but I have never seen someone so thoroughly unmotivated to be there as Paul was this week. And that includes Darryl Strawberry, who slept through two straight projects, and Dennis Rodman, who actually left his task to go get drunk with some random dudes — random dudes who didn’t even invite him!
Not only did Paul appear completely mentally and physically MIA on the task of creating a puppet show — a task he was Project Manager on, I might add — but he then showed even less energy in the Boardroom. After showing up in his trademark hoodie — classy! — Paul slept his way through his entire firing, offering little to no resistance. Worst of all? After he was fired, he stepped into the waiting town car like any other fired schmo. Are you kidding me?!? Where’s the freakin’ motorcycle? Paul should have had a big ol’ bike roughly the size of South Carolina waiting for him outside of Trump Tower to take him wherever those cars take people after they’ve been canned by the Donald (read: around the block a few times). That’s just a wasted opportunity, right there.
In truth, Paul didn’t add a whole lot to this season. No doubt producers were hoping for some of the drama he created on American Chopper, when he would constantly get into it with his son (whom he eventually fired). But outside of some early unexplainable tension with George Takei, it never really happened. However, there was plenty else happening on last night’s episode, so let’s get right to my favorite things about the most recent Celebrity Apprentice installment.
1. Lisa Vs. Dayana II: This Time Its Personal (Kind of Like the Last Time, Which Was Also Personal)
When we last left Lisa and Dayana, they had kissed and made up after Dayana proved herself to be a competent Project Manager. And when things first started this week it appeared a Lisa-Clay feud could be brewing instead. “We did it. Good riddance,” Lisa bragged after returning from Lou’s firing. “We did it?” Clay responded. “You act like you had some accomplishment of some kind… He’s still a person.”
When Trump then moved Clay over to team Forte to even out the numbers, one had to expect trouble, but instead of Clay, it was Dayana that once again placed herself right in Lisa’s line of fire once the teams were tasked with performing an improv puppet show with Brian Henson’s Stuffed and Unstrung. Allow me to say this: I played a bit of football back in middle school. Was pretty decent, actually (before everyone else started outgaining me by 100 pounds and I began to resemble the scrawny weakling I am today). I still throw the ball around on weekends. But if there was a competition based around throwing a football through some tires…well, that would be a pretty stupid competition for a show like Celebrity Apprentice. But my point is, if I had Tom Brady, Drew Brees, and Aaron Rodgers on my team, I wouldn’t be the one throwing the damn football!
NEXT: Aubrey 2.0