To all those naysayers, negative Nancys, and nincompoops that have complained over the past four seasons that Celebrity Apprentice was too drawn out at two hours long, I say this: CONSIDER YOURSELF FACED! That’s right, in your face, non-believers! Three hours of Celebrity Apprentice we got last night and you know what? It still wasn’t enough! The 50% increase in awesomeness merely whetted my appetite for more. Who knew “sweetie” was such a bad word? Who knew Meat Loaf was such an emotional basket case? Who knew the sidewalk squares outside Trump Tower lit up like the “Billie Jean” video whenever a Jackson walked over them? You know who knows these things now? Me! And I want to know more. So much more. Like why doesn’t La Toya Jackson like leaving messages? And do the celebrities have any famous friends wiling to help them on a task that don’t happen to work for NBC? And does Marlee Matlin’s cop husband want to beat the living crap out of Officer Dominic Body or what? Too bad I’m not a mom, because three hours of Celebrity Apprentice is the best Mother’s Day gift anyone could ask for. Here are all the moments that made this extravaganza such a delight.
1. NeNe goes bye-bye
So after realizing that Star and NeNe could not work together, Trump decided to do the humane thing and separate them, switching NeNe to Backbone and Meat Loaf to A.S.A.P. Everyone happy, right? Wrong. Apparently upset that Trump had “accommodated” Star, NeNe simply took off. Left. Gone. Bye-bye. She became an invisible ghost. Much like — you guessed it —Casper! (Oh, the irony is delicious.) Later, Trump called her, trying to convince the hothead to stay, but it was no use.
We’ve seen tons of people quit Celebrity Apprentice out of the blue before, and Trump always sends them off with a handshake and a compliment that more often than not makes no sense. (New Celebrity Apprentice drinking game: chug every time Trump says the word “fantastic” — you’ll be lucky to make it out of an episode alive.) But this time was different. Maybe it’s because he legitimately thought she was tougher than that. Maybe it’s because she did not come to his office, kiss the ring, and bow out officially on his turf. Or maybe he simply confused her with a Kardashian since he has a habit of randomly going off on them for no reason. Whatever it was, it led to this verbal shot at the next Boardroom: “The fact is she left, she quit, she gave up. To you, NeNe, I say, you’re fired. And you’re a quitter. And Star Jones kicked your ass whether you like it or not.”
Those just may be the harshest words Trump has ever uttered to any Celebrity Apprentice contestant. I mean, I just re-read that quote over six more times and the word fantastic is simply nowhere to be found. This is some Obama birth certificate type anger we’re talking about here from The Donald.
NEXT: Can someone get Meat Loaf a tissue?