Zade Rosenthal
Mandi Bierly
July 19, 2012 AT 04:19 AM EDT


TV Show
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In Season
Barbara Bel Geddes, Linda Gray, Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy, Charlene Tilton, Victoria Principal

First of all, it’s just cruel to show us John Ross in a super hot suit this episode and next week, put him in prison orange. (Not the face, Venezuelan inmates!) And secondly, as much fun as it is to see the Ewings against each other, I’m looking forward to seeing them turn on Vicente. Let’s dig in.

Best line of the episode was obviously John Ross’ “Don’t you have some cows to go birth?” to Christopher. Christopher’s “Without the mineral rights on Southfork, you can’t even sell the mud off your boots” line would have been the runner-up had it not been used later in a Dyson ad. I wonder if they thought about having Elena’s mother walk through with a vacuum at that moment in the show? If you saw that recent episode of Rizzoli & Isles in which Lorraine Bracco’s character suddenly decided to wear heels and needed to learn about the comfort of Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts from Sasha Alexander’s character, you know I’m only half-joking.

Chris was there to return Marta’s sex DVD to John Ross. “You know, just because I’m fightin’ fair doesn’t mean I won’t fight — for Southfork and for Elena,” he said. Snooze. Chris went to see Elena, but Rebecca had already been there. She brought her a basket of bath accessories to thank her for taking her to the hospital. Naturally, morning sickness hit her. “I’m sorry I threw up in your bathroom,” she said. Those Southern manners. Elena guessed Rebecca was pregnant, and Rebecca said she was nine weeks along. I’m sure we all cringed — first trimester is TV’s way of saying this pregnancy may not be a long arc. When Christopher showed up trying to woo Elena back, she was working on her dead car, presumably just so Christopher could ask “Any sparks?” Almost as subtle as the cow episode, Dallas writers! Elena kept telling him he should return Rebecca’s call and when he asked why, she blurted out that Rebecca was pregnant.

Let’s just stick with that story line to get it out-of-the-way. Christopher went to see Rebecca and they fought because he thought she was just lying again. She said she thought he’d be more adult about this considering what his birth parents did to him. Ouch! Christopher went home and fought some with Ann, who said Rebecca is trying to do right by him and he’s just being spiteful and cruel. ANN IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM BOBBY, VIEWERS! He went to see Elena again, still wanting to be with her even with the baby, but she told him she was making it work with John Ross. Eventually, they did a paternity test and for some reason, the doctor couldn’t tell Christopher that he was the father — OF TWINS! — over the phone. Bobby and Ann had to accompany Christopher to the doctor’s office so Bobby could wink at Chris as he briefly held Rebecca’s hands and listened to the two heartbeats, and so Ann could go off crying because, incase you didn’t get it from her sitting in a playground earlier watching a woman and her daughter, Ann’s secret has something to do with a child.

Bobby had been arrested earlier in the episode for assaulting Ann’s ex, Harris. But Harris agreed to drop the charges if Bobby apologized, which he halfheartedly did. Harris had given Bobby an envelope that he said would show Bobby what Ann’s been hiding and what kind of person she really is. Bobby put it away unopened when he heard Ann fighting with Christopher again about Rebecca and saying Rebecca was doing the right thing by being honest with him but it cost her his love anyway. In the end, Bobby, being THE BEST GUY EVER, told Ann what Harris had said about the envelope containing all he needed to know about Ann — and he burned it. We all saw that coming the moment Bobby walked into the room, where there was a fire, carrying that envelope. But still, it was an incredible gesture of love and trust. He said all he needs to know about Ann is right there in her face, and she can work through this pain on her own, but he’ll be there for her if she needs him and she can trust him. We saw a photo, presumably of her and a daughter she abandoned, burning.

NEXT: The cops come to Southfork again — no, not for you, Bobby

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