Dallas, you are a crazy, delicious little show that managed to pack a manhunt, the arrest of a drug-addicted Buckle Bunny, a wedding that’s the equivalent of uniting a Stark with a Lannister, a fight during which someone is wearing a bath towel, and a slow-motion shot of Patrick Duffy walking into two hours (or 90 minutes, if you don’t count commercials). Well done!
We began with the Ewings confronting baby-hugging Gov. McConaughey about his involvement with Harris Ryland and Cliff Barnes at a speech where he was touting a pipeline that will prevent them from pumping Southfork oil. Truth be told, I don’t exactly understand what’s happening here, but John Ross’ threat to McConaughey was easy enough to follow: “My father took down three senators, two governors, and a vice president, and he taught me everything he knows,” he said. “Your head’s gonna look real nice above my fireplace, governor.” Cue the credits!
Back at the ranch, Bobby tried to convince the bank to give them a three-week extension on their loan, but everyone knows that won’t be enough time to get them out from under the $1 billion fine and appeal the ruling. So, Bobby said, they double down on J.R.’s masterplan: Since Ryland’s trucks come out clean at the border, they’ll try to catch them in Texas, and they’ll try to get both Pamelas on their side so they can mount a takeover of Barnes Global from within.
Christopher said John Ross had to tell Pamela No. 2 about her father being responsible for the rig explosion that killed her twin babies. He didn’t want to do it, knowing it could break her, but John Ross agreed. She looked on the mend at her place, where he found her painting the walls white for a fresh start. She gave him a hello kiss, and he backed off and told her the truth about the evil triad. She didn’t believe her father would ever hurt her. She thought John Ross had only sat with her last week to manipulate her, “like you always do, like WE always do.” Josh Henderson is so good at playing hurt.
Meanwhile, at the ranch, Christopher and Elena ran into Drew, who’s explaining his bruises by saying he fell off some scaffolding. Elena wanted to know why Drew was asking her to lie to the Ewings about Harris when they hate him just as much, but he wouldn’t tell her. The least he could do, she said, was stop seeing Emma. Of course, he went to see Emma straight away to ask her to run away with him because he “likes her.” Convincing! She turned him down, knowing her father would find them and not be as kind the second time.
The Governor held court with Harris and Cliff and let them know if this goes bad for him it’s damn well going bad for them, too. Keeping with Harris’ love of animal metaphors, he said the Ewings are trapped animals flailing about trying to convince themselves it’s not over. McConaughey told Harris to tie off his loose ends because “What the Ewings don’t pick clean, I will.” They can’t kill the governor, right?
NEXT: Christopher wants to declare his mother dead