Annie Barrett
November 28, 2012 AT 11:10 AM EST

After a star-studded finale featuring Dance Center, a Pam Anderson five-man lap dance, and McKayla Maroney not oppressing the urge to make a “Call Me Maybe” hand gesture, one Sparkalien couple has been crowned the new King and Queen of Planet Mirrorballus. And they are….. [ab roll please]….

Mr. and Mrs. Sparkletooth themselves: Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani!

Aggggggggggh! Dying! #sparklebarf!!!

Good God, there were so many delicious space snacks for me to feast on during just those final two minutes. Most were Tony-related, because come on. TONY FINALLY WON! I loved the way he jiggled slightly during Tom’s lengthy verdict, like a little kid who doesn’t know whether he’s getting a 14th lump of coal for Christmas or….a big-ass crystal ball for Albania’s 100th year of independence!

Tony loyalists Val and Maks fiercely hugged each other backstage, while Apolo and Emmitt — along with most of the DANCMSTR nation, I’m sure — looked the most genuinely shocked that Shawn and Derek had not just won. The Chmerkovisionaries raced out to attack their friend and ultimately lift him up, leaving runner-up Derek to hoist up that slip of a thing Melissa with his little finger (it happened to be free because this week the judges were not wrapped around it). General mayhem ensued, and the aggressive confetti had yet to even happen!

The big payoff, of course, was seeing Maks and Val bounce Tony and Melissa around on their shoulders as the winners gazed incredulously at each other’s blinding white teeth — or were those giant pieces of confetti? Who can really say with these two? “WHOA!” screamed Tony in his most profound moment of the series. I’m not being sarcastic. I would never do that. I seriously rewound Tony’s “whoa” 15 times. It just said so much.

Some people might complain that viewers were voting for the pro instead of the star, but I say so what? It’s a show about partnerships; it’s never about one person nor should it be. I fully expected Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough to win — they racked up a higher tally of flashy tricks and seemingly had a broader fan base, not to mention they danced with the freaking Fab Five Monday night. But Melissa and Tony were consistently beautiful to watch, so stoked to be paired up again and aliiiiiiiiiiiiiive!, and gained momentum just at the right time within the last few weeks. They had a fantastic season and deserved to win.

Awww, I am just so over Dovolaniter (one of the sparkly blue cheese moons that orbits Planet Mirrorballus) for Tony. He’s been around for 14 seasons, has dealt admirably with some crap partners, and has always been a class act. Even tonight during their satellite interview with Kimmel, Jimmy asked “Does this make up for when you had to dance with Kate Gosselin?” and Tony brushed it off, saying Other Octomom was “a sweetheart” and had probably even voted for them this season. Melissa playfully swatted his arm and said “You’re so nice,” almost in disbelief. Tony is so nice. He’s the best!

Even when he ATTACKS.

NEXT: Kelly, Melissa, and Shawn race to prepare the somewhat irrelevant ‘instant dances’

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