Annie Barrett
September 25, 2012 AT 10:53 AM EDT

Welcome back to Planet Mirrorballus, DANCMSTRs! It’s season 15 and we’re stepping it up: Tom has an Emmy, Brooke has a mermaid gown, and Papa’s got a brand new bag of paddles. Not everyone got the memo though: One of the singers wore a flannel shirt!

Just when I’d mastered the art of counting to 10, those silly Dancing With the Stars judges had to go and introduce DECIMAL POINTS into the scoring system. I’d like to score this new scoring system a 5.5…times zero, which is zero. It’s uttah madness, I tell you! Carrie Ann keeps saying “point five,” while Len and Bruno prefer “and a hoff.” They’ll need to iron out those verbal tics because my brain is about to explode from the extra math as it is. Will this be the end of the Fringe Fairy? Stay tuned.

Did anyone else’s gem-studded heart swell big time, thus corrupting the geme pool, when some of the returning All-Stars bounded over to Tom and then kept the momentum going by crushing him in a giant bear hug? So cute! (Who does that guy think he is — Cat Deeley? He’s hugging as fast as he can!) It’s not why Tom won last night, but it sure did make my night tonight.

Will the judges please reveal their absurd half-point scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhhh-ber!

Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 24.5 out of possible 30 Len called their cha cha, the theme of which was “Emmitt’s green shoes are sparkling but Cheryl’s dancing in lingerie — WHERE DO I LOOK?” the best dance of the night. I personally went with the looking-at-shoes option which was a good call because a) been there, done that with all of Our Pros (after 14 seasons I feel like my brain = a stack of racy catalogues stuck together by thick films of Thai food, wine, and rhinestones) and b) Twinkletoes’ footwork was so great! The judges marveled at Emmitt’s natural charisma, but I was more impressed with his feet. They sparkled so hard.

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 24/30 The couple earned three 8s for being really, really, really, incredibly good-looking — and for grounding the premiere with a stunning Old Hollywood foxtrot. Even their rehearsal footage screamed “WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THESE CLASSIC BEAUTIES?” despite the fact that at one point Peta’s day-glo hair was in a bun and Gilles was wearing a fashion hat. It’s like watching an Old Hollywood movie about two models trying to make it on a ballroom dancing reality show. They’re going to make it! “You will not come in second place again,” Peta promised.

Awkward Emmys tie-in from Carrie Ann: “Jon Hamm didn’t win last night ’cause Gilles Marini had to come out here and win it tonight!”

NEXT: Let More Fringe Activate Outrageously (LMFAO)

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