On the week 7 performance episode of Dancing With the Stars, the six remaining contestants worked hard all week, exceeded their own and our expectations, and pleased the judges. That sounds like a joke sentence, kind of like when Derek said during the rehearsal package that since Nicole is such a great dancer already, ”I forget to compliment her and tell her what a good job she’s doing.” He was so earnest, and a little singsong. I’m pretty sure he was kidding and not kidding at the same time, which is genius. But I wasn’t kidding. Everyone was great.
First, I’d like to focus on the ridiculous Week 7 outfits of the people who never get their own paragraphs. DANCMSTR had borrowed his neon green getup from Pixar (suggested Tom), hoping to stand out enough to make everyone feel guilty for not celebrating his birthday last Tuesday. (Oh, the parties I’d have thrown, had I only known….) Meanwhile, Carrie Ann arrived fresh off the set of an ’80s music video, and Bruno mistook the liiiiiiive taping for ”a funeral with fairy lights” (said Len). Brooke Burke’s look was the most puzzling of them all. The unnecessary zipper on her dress was clamoring for attention against the enormous snake necklace atop her heaving bosom. I know I should suggest something reasonable, like ”Choose one! Not both,” but to be honest, I’d prefer if she kept dressing like a crazy person. It’s currently my favorite thing about her. Tom looked fine. He always looks fiiiiiiine.
This week we had the two-teamed Cha Cha Challenge! It was Team Gaga vs. Team Madonna, since America hasn’t compared Lady Gaga and Madonna enough already. Gaga won. Eat it, Madonna! Oh, it hurts to even type that. I wouldn’t be surprised if Glee’s Sue Sylvester has stolen away into my home and is waiting in my kitchen in my least favorite tracksuit to punch me in the face.
Team Gaga (Pam, Chad, and Nicole) was all about sex, drugs, and silver fringe. These team members were so in touch with their bodies that their pleather raincoats just flew right off within seconds. Screw those coats! Team Madonna (Evan, Niecy, and Erin), on the other hand, waited the entire dance before ripping off each other’s white frocks to reveal the sparkly black corsets underneath. This team’s main themes were Olympic rings (six instead of five), hand-holding, and obstructive necklaces. The ladies’ hair accessories and Erin’s black lace-patterned leggings earned 10s in my book. Of course, my book doesn’t count, because it’s the Internet. If I had a book, the pages would be composed of costumes.
”Holiday” seemed like a weird Madonna choice for cha cha, but I suppose it worked. Like the Power of Madonna, DWTS airs itself out all across the world, in every nation. ”Express Yourself” might have been funny alongside Gaga’s ”Telephone,” but singing something so iconic would have seemed more blasphemous than usual. It’s a real shame Madonna never had a hit single called ”Text”’ or ”Go Online” because then both Cha Cha Challenge numbers could have reminded the viewers at home about the different ways they could vote. Okay, enough of this. Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
NEXT: Nicole lights up