”Dancing With the Stars”: Women’s comeback night
Last night, the women dominated the judges’ basically meaningless leader board, placing in all the top five spots. With Dr. Quinn’s family tragedy, Kelly Taylor’s triumphant comeback, and Marie Osmond’s willingness to do back bends all in the mix, the women’s big night was a slam dunk. Yes! Girl power! This totally makes me want to get up and dance! Or sit here and eat Cheetos. I’m still deciding. (Update: Decision made. Yum.)
Jane Seymour: 27 out of 30 points Jane probably had the least to prove last night. She dedicated her tango to her mother, who passed away last Tuesday. I’m surprised she even performed this week, let alone learned a complete dance. But this was Mom’s favorite show, and dancing had always been little Jane’s dream, etc. Aside from the drag-ish wig and way too much makeup, Jane and Tony’s tango was elegant and precise. Bruno called her performance ”worthy of a silent-movie queen,” and DANCMSTR was so moved he said, ”That could have been on pay-per-view.” Ha. Eat it, Floyd!
Mel B.: 27/30 Scary Spice and Maksim performed the jive, which somehow necessitated a rehearsal on a platform in the middle of a huge fountain in Vegas. Whether Mel knows it or not, her impression of Arrested Development’s Gob crying, ”Come on!” was right on the money. As for the jive, I’m glad Scary got some big scores, but I think she could have danced a lot better. She seems to crank out the high energy on the moves she really likes, but gets a bit lazy for a lot of the others, like she’s just dragging herself through to the next big beat. Mel seemed slightly more interested in grinding up on Tom Bergeron, post-jive, than on her partner. But considering Tom’s off-the-cuff quip about Maks’ ego being safe and sound after the half-nude Russian stallion pretended to hunt for his missing shirt, I’m not sure I can blame her.
Sabrina Bryan: 27/30 The Cheetah Girl kept questioning her partner’s choreography during their rehearsal footage for the jive. It seemed pretty bitchy and presumptuous at the time, but then they performed and it turned out Mark’s choreography involved Mark leaping over a person’s head, Mark doing a back flip, and Mark doing…wait for it…the worm. Why? Why he gotta put his worm all up in their jive? Seriously, there were too many tricks here. If they’d stuck to the super-fast footwork they’re good at, I’d have enjoyed the jive much more. We don’t really need to see Sabrina do a back walkover, do we? Show of hands….Okay, now, show of hands: Who else loved it when Sabrina screeched something at Drew backstage and he quite matter-of-factly responded, ”That just killed my ear”? Tell it, Drew!
Jennie Garth: 26/30 Yay, Jennie did well! Party on, Garth. One more week of her petrified, clammy dance face and I was going to start watching SpongeBob via picture-in-picture, just for some levity. (Imagine Jennie dancing with Patrick! Aww. They’d be horrible!) I was so glad she and Derek used traditional tango music featuring none of the distracting wailing some other couples had to deal with. Jennie really got into character and at least acted confident, and it worked. Carrie Ann gave Jennie her first standing ovation of the season, and Bruno said, ”Don’t cry for me, Argentina,” because obviously someone had to, and obviously it was going to be Bruno.
Marie Osmond: 26/30 Waaayyy too much Donny. Really, producers, we’re happy enough with just Jonny. I’m liking Marie way more than I thought I would, and I think keeping her camera-happy family members out of her general vicinity will be crucial in maintaining my affection for her. I thought her tango was great tonight, and I am the queen of hating excessive facial expressions on this show. Carrie Ann was right — despite playing up the character of the dance, Marie didn’t quite cross the line into hamminess. Yet.
NEXT: The boys aren’t back!