Desperate Housewives: Ron Tom
Annie Barrett
January 22, 2007 AT 05:00 AM EST

”Desperate Housewives”: Unwanted attention

Judging from the previews for next week, Bree’s stunt double is about to take a nasty fall from about two flights up. Carlos could handle that, but since the very preggers Marcia Cross has been put on bed rest until the end of the season, I don’t think Bree will. This is horrible, because I was really enjoying all the fun ways they were hiding her baby bubble (tonight: a coat!), and I feel she’s generally necessary to make the show both dark and funny at the same time. I’m scared. Hold me like a plate of kick-ass peanut butter cookies, Bree. Never let me go.

It’s okay, though, because this week Bree socked Alma right in the face after Alma drugged and raped her husband. This, combined with Bree’s request of Andrew to head on over right away, and ”bring the wheelbarrow,” plus whatever she’ll say next week, should probably be enough of a Bree fix to keep us going during her hiatus. I do wish we’d gotten to see the actual wheeling of Orson, especially because it would have given Andrew something to do other than gape at various electronic devices. The wheelbarrow reference also recalled a tiny scene from season 1, when a neighbor who envied Bree’s immaculate yard dumped a dead jogger onto her property using a wheelbarrow. But we do not want Orson to die. Or, for that matter, get raped.

About that. Are we supposed to be okay with the forcible sex because Alma is crazy and quirky and Viagra is funny? ‘Cause I’m not, really. Funny. Or okay with this. Alma definitely lightened the situation by wearing that impossibly cute red thingy and mouthing the words to ”Let’s Misbehave,” but still…rape. Ew. I’m sure Alma will either become pregnant or at least fake it for the sake of the plot, even though I don’t see how, technically, it could have happened. Can Viagra make you do that? Even if you’re unconscious and/or not into the action? Could I feel any more awkward writing this right now? The answer to all of those questions is ”Probably.”

Gaby wasn’t into the action she got from singer-songwriter Zach Young, either, but thankfully Mother Hodge wasn’t around to drug her, too. Has any character on any show been as intensely into paisley as our young Zach? It’s becoming his trademark print. I wonder how Gaby feels about it, to be honest — I’m shocked she hasn’t brought it up. She’s too busy telling herself she needs to be close friends with an 18-year-old because they have more in common than they think. They do love spending money, but the ”we’re both adrift” line could apply to any living human. Maybe I could be friends with Gaby and Zach. I wouldn’t mind chillin’ on that sweet vinyl wraparound couch. Call me, you guys! We’ll jam.

Susan showed as much nerve as Alma and Zach when she pimped out Gaby to get Zach to bail Mike out from jail. I love how convenient everything turns out on this show. Mike’s bail is a million? You know who’s back in town, rich, and stalking your best friend? Zach Young. He’ll do it, no problem! The way Susan reasoned with Gaby was very snarky: ”Let’s not pretend we’re above teenagers.” Touché, Susan. It worked: Before you could say, ”That’s not exactly realistic,” Mike rolled up to his house in his 2007 Nissan Spaceship, straight from jail. There was an awkward let’s-not-acknowledge-we’re-related scene between Mike and Zach, then the Hair went to visit Paul in jail as a favor to Mike. Whew! Got all that?

I’m not sure how I feel about seeing Paul Young reintroduce the whole Felicia Tilman ”murder” case at this point. Zach is creepy enough to make for a good Gaby subplot right now, but Paul isn’t really doing it for me anymore. I thought he and, especially, Felicia had made excellent exits back in season 2. I love thinking of Felicia, far away in her wooden-fabulous abode, staring at the empty space that used to be beautiful fingers, and smiling with only one edge of her sneaky little mouth. Okay, maybe I do want to see her again. I just thought the way that all played out was the perfect way to end her story line, and I’m not sure why they insist on reviving it.

Like Tom, I love it when Lynette is ruthless. Only she could pull off faking that a bullet was still lodged in her arm (”Too close to what?” ”Everything.”) in order to skip work after eight weeks of paid leave. Thanks to Kayla, Lynette’s boss Ed caught up with her at the street fair, fired her, hired her, then, in my second favorite moment of the night, took a slice of pizza from her serving tray. Ha!

But Lynette’s not going back to advertising. She’s the new manager at Pizzeria Oh-no. She and Tom cooked pizzas joyfully and kissed a lot after making the decision, which made me feel all velvety inside, but you know having these two work together will be nightmarish on all levels, starting in like 30 seconds. Lynette won’t be able to handle Tom’s thinking he’s in charge; Tom will make all sorts of idiotic yet crucial mistakes; Lynette will get mad that the waitresses have breasts; something important will burst into flames (Kayla?); and so on.

I’m psyched about the restaurant setting, though. Think about it: annoying customers, Andrew Van De Kamp slacking off on the job, hungry housewives, and — best of all — pizza! There were already some great food-porn shots tonight — my fave was the Canadian-bacon pie Tom made that had a significant section of crust sticking straight up. Realism! Yessss.

You’re probably wondering, ”But Annie, what was your first favorite moment of the episode?” That’s easy. It was when Mike plunked down next to Paul in jail and yelled (but, strangely, in monotone), ”LOOKS LIKE AN INTERESTING BOOK! WHAT’S IT ABOUT?” [Chucks it against the wall.] ”NEVER MIND. I’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE.” Thanks, James Denton. Any doubts I had about whether or not you can act were put to rest right there. Rock on.

What do you think? Will Alma become pregnant? As Zach’s supposed ”future wife,” should Gaby maybe upgrade her new security system and conduct their newfound friendship via IM? And where are those mystery teeth?

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