First, I wanted to say thank you for all of the helpful comments last week. I read them, and I’m keeping them in mind as I move forward tonight. Hopefully you will see more of what you want (unless what you want is more shirtless Maks, because sadly, I have nothing to do with that). But tonight’s episode was all about partying, so who’s ready to put on their dancing shoes?! OK, that was a dated reference. Nobody has dancing shoes anymore. What’s the equivalent of dancing shoes in the 21st Century? Who wants to put on those shoes that look hot but won’t kill your feet by the end of the night? Whatever, let’s do this.
Welcome to Party Anthem night, where it’s a “Party in the U.S.A.,” and animal print is all that matters. At least, it’s all that matters to our guest judge, LMFAO’s Redfoo. His name might sound like someone just sneezed, but his hair makes up for it. And Erin, for one, was real excited. Honestly, her face when he came out might have been my favorite thing about tonight. Get it together, Erin. It’s not like he just won the Super Bowl. However, he was wearing what appeared to be pleather shorts and an animal print blazer with no shirt underneath, so he kind of wins at life. And he got everybody shufflin, so you can’t fault the man, that’s for damn sure. Insert Erin’s awkward Spring Break banter here, and we were ready to roll!
NeNe Leakes and Tony Dovolani: 33/40 The first couple up, Tony and NeNe were dancing a salsa this week. Long story short, they had a bit of a tiff last week, but they’re back together and a little bit adorable. More importantly, if someone makes me a GIF of NeNe’s salsa hips, I will love you forever. But first: Look out for that fringe! NeNe was shaking everything her mama gave her in this routine, and I could not have enjoyed it more. And the part where she danced with her husband? Damn that Tony for being so strategic and pulling on my heartstrings like that! I tried to resist the ploy, but it was too cute.
But pulling the attention away from NeNe for a second, I just have to say that more than anyone tonight, in the entire show, Tony was GETTIN IT, as the kids say. This weird hip-hop salsa thing was all about shaking and thrusting, and Tony was acting like he was in a dance battle that he was not going to lose. Weird pitch: A movie where Tony plays a hip-hop salsa dancer who goes around killing people with his gyrating. (Narration by Redfoo.) GOLD, I TELL YOU.
Honestly, NeNe’s shimmying got an A in my book, but I felt her hips could’ve loosened up a bit. But who am I to say, right? Len thought it was fun but said her footwork needed work. Bruno was more focused on undressing — who told him a monochromatic red outfit was a good idea? — and Carrie Ann (with her blue hair) loved the bit with NeNe and her husband. Redfoo, identified as the “International Party Superstar,” thought NeNe owned that. He was all “technical schmetical” and zebra-printed paddles.
Also, there was this gem from Tom to Bruno: “Is it cold in here because both your nipples popped just now.”
Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas: 32/40 Mark and Candace were conquering the cha cha, which meant she had to figure out to play the sexy girl. (P.S. I don’t remember her ever playing that on TV, but I could be wrong.) The good news was that being sexy actually wasn’t that hard. All it took was one Godzilla reference from Mark about knocking down a building with a hip thrust, and Candace was in the zone. Next up: “What Would Godzilla Do” bracelets.
Overall, I thought the costumes perfectly represented how I felt about this dance. Candace was sort of dressed like a weird Zenon robot, and her hips were just as robotic. Her moves were very calculated, and I could see her brain working. Everyone knows you turn your brain off when you go on television, Candace! I thought it was a fine performance, but I like my robots … there’s no good way to end that sentence.
Bruno thought her leg placement was better, but called her out on her “mental switch” being visible. Carrie Ann made some non-helpful comment about her being good when she’s good, and Redfoo was all about her “bling bling” outfit. Len liked her legs, but wanted more fluid arms.
Other important things to note: Mark’s idea of relaxation is bathing with Mario Brothers characters? Also, are these little chats with Erin the most uncomfortable part of the show? Spoiler: Yes, they are. Tom, however, was there to save the day with a comment about “Mark’s arrested adolescent spa.” God bless you, Tom. Don’t ever leave us.
NEXT: Tom makes an STD joke