Annie Barrett
May 24, 2011 AT 09:23 AM EDT

Dancing With the Stars

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
Current Status
In Season

Oh, DANCMSTRs. It’s just not the same watching the Planet Mirrorballus madness on my sad, wobbly TV. There I was last week, front row center for the season 12 semis, and now here I am huddled back in my troll cave in Brooklyn, hating reality/longing for *~*Reality*~*. The Wall of Hair — was I even there? Did Tom really point to me? Was the Karina/Fringe Fairy Bejeweled Bracelet Exchange only just a dream? The video evidence says NO, MA’AM. Also, wham, bam, and damn it feels good anyway to watch the freestyle round, no matter the vantage point.

But enough about me and my post-stardom depression. Let’s get to the performances of Monday night’s season 12 finals.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!

Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas: 29 + 30 = 59 out of possible 60 Carrie Ann floated by to teach the “Disney Princess” the meaning of womanhood, which appears to be knowing when to artfully rearrange your tube dress after demonstrating how to swivel one’s hips. I loved the opening of Chelsea and Mark’s Judges’ Choice samba with all the dramatic shadowing and crazy percussion. Enthusiastic Chimes Lady and her partner in crime Less Enthusiastic By Comparison Bongo Man must have been going insane! (Don’t miss the ECL video at the end of this recap!)

Now, fringed pants always make the stars and Our Pros look like zoo creatures, but the burnt sienna shade Chelsea was rocking, not to mention the LONG SLEEVES of this getup really drove this dance into wild animal territory. DO NOT FEED THE BALLASES, said a sign just off-camera, generously provided by the Sparkalien Society of Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell. Well, it worked: Carrie Ann said Chelsea had gotten down, dirty, and sensual. “Tehhhhhhhhhn!”

NEXT: Mark’s feet can see for miles and miles; everyone else is blind

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