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Heavens to Betsy, is it Sunday already? Well, lucky for me (Shout out to my fellow lapsed-Catholics!), the only service I’m required to view on this Lord’s day is the completely insane one they show on GCB. Though, honestly, if mass at St. John’s was as passive-aggressively catty and entertaining as the service on this show, I might be more inclined to show up. The only drama I remember from my 18 years of church-going was that one time my friend Katie passed out before communion because she forgot to eat breakfast. Ugh, my town was so boring.
Anyway, last night’s GCB really pushed the limits on how many times an ABC show can say “Booby” in one episode. (Obvious drinking game alert: Drink whenever breasts are referenced! Have aspirin ready and the emergency room on speed-dial, because this week was a doozy.) There were two major plots churning tonight, both involving ta-tas. In the first, Carlene “Kitten” Cockburn continued on her holy crusade to ruin Amanda’s life, this time using Booby Licious as her David’s Sling.
If you recall, at the end of last week Amanda exposed Ripp and Carlene as the owners of Booby Licious in front of their entire congregation. When we first met Carlene this week, she was living like a recluse, propped up in her giant canopy bed like a glittery, fabulous Howard Hughes. She was so filled with shame that the unspeakable had happened: She was considering missing church. “I can’t show my face or my talent in front of all those people,” she moaned. Her partner-in-crime Ripp used Bible verse to remind her of her wifely duties, but even the words of our Lord proved futile. (Proverbs 31: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.” Does anyone really think that Carlene does any work with wool and flax?)
But something would have to draw our effervescent Carlene out of bed, and poor beard Cricket had just the ticket: The ladies had a passive-aggressive-church-attack-song planned, and Cricket was fully prepared to take over Carlene’s solo. Oh no no. Carlene was dressed and ready in no time, and she belted out Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel” with the spunk and talent usually reserved for, well, Kristin Chenoweth on Broadway. Amanda, whose husband had recently been killed in a sexually scandalous car crash, received the poorly-disguised message loud and clear. Point — Carlene.
Unfortunately, Amanda had more immediate pressing issues to attend to. Gigi, who still bemoaned the status of her daughter’s reputation, was planning a debutante party of sorts to re-introduce her progeny to Dallas society. Unwisely, she added Carlene, Cricket, and Sharon to the invite list — and a passive-aggressive Carrie Underwood song was simply not enough to satiate their appetite for revenge. Carlene still wanted blood for the Booby Licious diss, and Sharon was distressed to learn that her husband, Zack, had been frequenting the joint to see Amanda. (Aside: Sharon figured this out by LICKING ZACK’S TIE to taste what kind of sauce made an obvious stain. Let’s keep track of how many times they use “Fat Sharon being gross with food” as a visual gag. It happens a lot.) Only Heather was taking Amanda’s side, but this newfound allegiance had Heather on the outs with the rest of the group.
NEXT: Shall the meek inherit?