It began as most Christian parables typically do: With a blowjob sequence. (Romans 1:21-24: For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.)
Good Christian Bitches Good Christian Belles GCB: Your intended Desperate Housewives replacement that so far reminds me of Mean Girls meets The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but with a lot of church scenes, bigger hair, and a love for double entendre. Admittedly, this recapper has never set foot in the Lone Star state, but years of mandatory Sunday mass and Tuesday evening CCD in the state with second biggest hair (New Jersey) should make me more than qualified to decipher this fun Sunday evening inanity.
Anyways, back to the BJ: A wealthy but desperate man fled California with nothing but a flashy car, boatloads of cash, and a beautiful brunette at his side. The brunette immediately offered some good old fashioned road-oral-pleasure, letting us know instantly that this woman was NOT HIS WIFE. We also quickly learned that this dude is a terrible multitasker, because three or four seconds into the thing he drove the car straight off the cliffs of the PCH. Enjoy purgatory, home-wrecking suckers.
Three months later, the now-deceased embezzler’s beautiful wife, Amanda, was stuck in a serious no-win situation: Live broke and disgraced in the middle of a media maelstrom, with two teenagers, in an empty Santa Barbara mansion, or return to her hometown of Dallas, Texas to live with her overbearing mother. “I don’t care how bad things are, I will never go back to Dallas,” she said incisively. Of course, if you’ve seen the promos, you know that this statement is inaccurate.
Within the next few scenes, Amanda’s hometown distaste became far more understandable. Her mother, Gigi, was an over-the-top (but fun!) liberal-hating nightmare, her former social group (led by Kristin Chenoweth’s nosy neighbor Carlene) was hell-bent on Psalm 18:39-style high school revenge, and Gigi’s house didn’t have Wi-Fi. To be fair, high school Amanda gave the Belles plenty of reason to hate her: She had a pre-plastic surgery Carlene (nicknamed “Kitten”) kicked off the cheer squad for having bad skin, told the judges of Miss Teen Dallas that the previously smokin’ but now sort of fat (well, TV fat) Sharon was not a virgin, and spread a vicious rumor that Cricket had herpes. The only one who may have escaped the pre-California, pre-enlightenment Amanda’s wrath was Heather Cruz, who was now a major player in the Dallas real estate game.
NEXT: On the first day, let there be light! Or, just really catty behavior.