Just think: During last year’s Valentine’s Day episode, Kurt was still trying to woo Blaine. A lot has happened on the show since then, probably since each episode of Glee has more plots than a cemetery.
Glee’s 2012 Valentine episode, “Heart,” was no exception: We met Rachel’s dads, Samcedes hit yet another stumbling block, Finchel had their first spat, Brittana was persecuted for a public display of lesbianism, McKinley’s religious contingent formed a sub-glee club, and Artie competed for the affections of Sugar against the soon-to-be-deported Rory, who may actually be lying about that. Whew! And yeah, somehow they worked some songs in here and there.
To kick the episode off, Sugar gave Mr. Schuester some money to shut him about New Directions needing another bake sale or whatever, and then announced that her rich dad had taken over Breadstix for Valentine’s Day. She was throwing a Sugar Shack love bash and all were invited—as long as you had a date, because single people are, in her eyes, “Sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.”
Wait a tick, isn’t Sugar single? Yep, and that was the cue for Artie and Rory to start plotting how to get Sugar in the raw.
More importantly, we finally met Rachel’s gay dads (they were alluded to as far back as the pilot). Played by Broadway star Brian Stokes Mitchell and the one and only Jeff Goldblum, the two Mr. Berrys surprised Finn and Rachel in the McKinley auditorium with a partially tone-deaf rendition of “Chapel of Love” (guess which one can’t sing? Hint: It’s the human fly). The Berrys had found out about her secret engagement, but suspiciously enough, they weren’t angry at the news. On the contrary, they had invited the Hummel-Hudsons over for a big three-family celebration.
The first proper love song of the episode was a duet on Nat King Cole’s classic “L-O-V-E” between Tina and Mike. First off, remember Tina? She’s back! Was she getting eye surgery with Blaine? We may never know. Secondly: Wow, Mike Chang’s voice sounded great last night, and it didn’t reek of Auto-Tune either. Methinks someone paid for vocal lessons, which is probably a good career move and a tax write-off to boot.
In the lunch room, Kurt received a Gorilla Gram from a secret admirer. Yes, Gorilla Gram is a real thing, because there’s nothing more romantic than a sweaty man in a rubber gorilla suit giving you balloons and flowers. Kurt seemed oblivious to the idea that his “secret admirer” was probably someone other than Blaine, but my guess that Gene Parmesan was the idiot in the gorilla costume proved false as well.
Eager to show her love in mixtape form, Brittany made Santana an “Infinite Playlist” of songs that made Brittany think of her feisty girlfriend, (“Purple People Eater” was first on the list, which is strangely apt). Just as they were about to share a V-Day kiss, Principal Figgins cried out “Teen lesbians!” and warned them against public displays of gay. Santana verbally smacked him down, but Figgins insisted he had received a complaint from a student whose identity remained unknown even at the end of the episode.
Intent on wooing Sugar and sending Rory back to the Emerald Isle, Artie busted out some serious sex appeal on Mario’s “Let Me Love You.” Unfortunately for Artie, Rory started talking about his impending deportation and sang Sugar that Michael Bublé song about missing home and all that schmaltz. In the end, Rory won Sugar’s fickle affections because she felt “even more sorry” for him. Ah, pity dates!
NEXT: Samuel Larsen – the other winner of The Glee Project – makes his debut as a devout, dreadlocked Christian