Gossip Girl recap: Schemes Like Old Times | EW.com

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Gossip Girl recap: Schemes Like Old Times

In 'Goodbye Columbia,' Queen B gets stung, and Serena finds herself trapped in the rumor mill

Gossip Girl Chace

PUT TO THE TEST Juliet informed Nate about her strict "no STD screening, no lovin'" rule.

(Giovanni Rufino/The CW)

Gossip Girl

Season 4, Ep. 5 | Aired Oct 11

Chuck Bass warned Blair last week that she had brought out his “worst self.” I beg to differ, Bassy. In fact, last night, everyone on Gossip Girl was exactly as they should always be. Chuck set his sights on ruining Blair’s life at Columbia. Blair was determined not to let that happen. Nate and Dan’s past with Serena came back to haunt them. Vanessa let evil get the best of her. And Serena did her best to look fabulous while fighting rumors that…uhm…she had been giving away tainted Halloween candy, so to say.

The result of all this madness? The most STDelightful episode since the gang put prep school in their drivers’ rearview mirrors. Let’s get to it. (Please use protection. It’s going to get dirty.)

The episode opened with Serena’s grossly over-exaggerated cab troubles (…because we are not dumb enough to believe for one second that a girl with those gams and that cleave would ever have trouble getting a taxi). We met a man who had been making it a habit to steal cabs from Serena in the a.m. – which, because they’re in Manhattan, probably means around noon – so that he could send his nightly conquests on their merry way. There are two words that came to mind when we first laid eyes on the man responsible for her troubles, one of them is big and the other rhymes with Vick. So until we learn his name, I’ll call him Big Richard.

As a result of Big Richard’s continuous interference with her ability to get to school on time, Serena found herself in hot water with her English Lit professor. Blair, ever the intelligent person, told Serena to set up a meeting and remedy the situation before her standing in the class suffered. “The easiest way to turn an enemy into a friend is to seek their counsel,” Blair told her. Funny, because we later learned that it works the other way around as well.

Blair was gaining her newfound wisdom from accomplished women of power – ones not named Coco Chanel – so that she could better continue her quest to become one. One of her newest objects of admiration was a businesswoman named Martha Chamberlin, a guest lecturer at the school. Serena claimed to “love her,” which sounded about as convincing as when I told my guy friend I knew what a “blitz” was in football. I later Googled the term; I assumed Serena later did the same with Martha.

Nonetheless, Serena told Blair to sign her up for the class and that they’d go together, forgetting, of course, that this was college and not a ladies room. But Blair’s attempt to use her classload to keep her mind off of the Chuck situation was cut short when she ran into His Bass-ness at the registrar’s office. He was there to attend classes (a favor from the Dean) before breaking ground on the Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. “You took away what I cared about the most. So to return the favor, I’m going to take Columbia away from you,” he challenged.

NEXT: Is it my imagination, or are the writers setting us up for a Dan-Nate romance?