”The Hills” recap: Lauren and Heidi’s sitdown
You know that great sketch on Saturday Night Live, ”Debbie Downer”? Rachel Dratch (who I heart and miss on the show) played the wonderfully depressive Debbie, who had an amazing knack for shutting down anything fun. ”I love my new angora wool sweater,” Chris Parnell, say, might exclaim, and then Debbie would stare at him with her huge glassy eyes and declare, ”Yes, and so do the 30 small baby bunnies that were killed in order to make that.” Wah-wah-wah.
Yesterday's Hills episode played like that sketch on repeat for me. Heidi: ”I just thought we could talk about the situation….” Cut to Lauren shouting, ”You are a bad person.” Wah-wah-wah. Audrina: ”I finally am becoming more involved at work!” Justin Bobby: ”Belch.” Wah-wah-wah. Lauren: ”I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you.” Quick, someone fetch me a violin! But more on those lines later.
We started with Whitney and Lauren being handed invites to producer Norman Lear’s ”Declare Youself” party, a celebrity-studded event to raise voter awareness. What exactly did Teen Vogue L.A. editor Lisa Love mean when she instructed them to ”Cover the event”? In my opinion, ogling that ”really, really ridiculously good-looking guy” from The Devil Wears Prada does not count. Also? With all the celebs, Justin Timberlake included, posing at the event’s red carpet, there’s no way that I believe that Whitney and Lauren quietly entered through the side door. If there’s one thing I know about these girls, it’s that they love the whole shebang, the whole production. It just showed the lengths to which MTV will go to cover up the girls’ own stardom, in order to make them appear at least semi-normal.
Anyway, Heidi rolled into the same event, of course, with Kimberly, her new BFF-coworker-Elodie replacement. Heidi’s pretty brave, you’ve got to admit. I’m a bit murky on whether her intentions were actually genuine or if she just wanted to save face on television, but after all of her attempts at some kind of reconciliation with Lauren, she must half expect by now to be shot down. Oddly, Heidi referred to Lauren as ”the girl that I was telling you about?” to Kimberly. Really? The Hills is in its third season, and anyone who owns a television can’t get past a week without at least hearing the show’s ridiculously catchy opener, ”Unwritten,” by Natasha Bedingfield. So I think Kimberly must have known who Lauren is, with or without Heidi’s helpful introduction.
On to Audrina and J. Bob. Justin may have only gotten about five minutes of airtime last night, but it’s more than enough for me to give him a new nickname, the Neanderthal. Because nothing else could possibly explain his behavior in last night’s episode than basic human evolutionary regression. Burping? Fidgeting in your chair like a 5-year-old boy? Proudly shaking your rat’s nest of hair? For someone who’s supposed to be a hairstylist, the Neanderthal can’t seem to grasp two crucial aspects of the trade — hygiene and trimming. I’d pay someone to keep him from touching my hair, and probably also to keep him from looking at me. His belching in response to Audrina’s excitement over her promotion and working with Sean Kingston was not only rude, disgusting, and thoughtless, it also perfectly explained why the Neanderthal ceased to exist: Complex language was developed, and thus communication began. For a reason. So that humans didn’t need to resort to feral body emissions to express themselves. Sheesh. (If it provides any relief to you readers, it has been reported that Audrina and Justin have split up.)
While we’re on the topic of Audrina, I’d like to congratulate her on getting promoted. It’s an improvement over being a receptionist, yes, but why are you so excited to be sitting back there with Chiara? She’s an intern, not the big man. I guess manning the front desk got pretty lonely. Plus, Audrina has her own cubicle and computer now — which means that she can goof off and read blogs all day in the comfort of her own three-walled space. Score.
NEXT: Heidi and Lauren’s face-off