Darren Franich
September 23, 2011 AT 06:00 AM EDT

Guys, can you believe that Snooki killed a cop? I mean, yow, our gal has gotten into some bad scrapes before, but a confirmed fatality definitely takes things to the next level! Fortunately for Li’l Shnookums, life is cheap in Italy. A little bit of money in the right set of pockets can make anything disappear. We didn’t actually see it happen on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, but I have no doubt that, when it became clear that the Italian police wouldn’t release Nicole from prison, Pauly D made a direct-line phone call to Prime Minister Silvio “Bunga Bunga Bang Bang” Berlusconi. I would imagine that Pauly offered Silvio a quid pro quo: Release Shnookums from prison, and DJ Pauly D the DJ would personally spin records the next time the Prime Minister hosted a diplomatic summit in the Federal Smush Room. You laugh, but this is exactly how politics works in the non-Scandinavian nations of Europe.

So Snooki and Deena were freed from Italian prison. Naturally, Nicole had to pay a steep cop-killing fine, and she was henceforth banned from driving anywhere in mainland Italy. Now, usually, people who have narrowly avoided life imprisonment for vehicular homicide feel a bit chastened. And Snooki did feel a little bit out of sorts when she got back to the villa. “Come along, Shnookums,” said her galpals, “Come along with us on a night of adventure!” Nicole politely declined. Perhaps she was pondering the mystery of life and death. Perhaps she wanted to make sure she didn’t smell like policeman-corpse when her darling Jionni arrived the next day.

For whatever reason, Nicole was the only person home when Brittany came buzzing. You all remember Brittany. She’s the low-self-esteem half of the Terrible Twin Team who terrorized the Jersey Shore villa in the first few episodes of this Italian season. Brittany badly wanted to see Sitch. “I like Mike because he’s different,” she explained, “He’s spontaneous.” I should note that Brittany was housed, pale-faced, legless, utterly shwasted. Snooki couldn’t quite believe that Brittany was a person. “Girl, you’re a wildebeest!” Nicole squealed. Pause to imagine hundreds of stampeding Brittany-twins crushing Mufasa beneath their powerful limbs. Horrifying.

Nicole arranged it all perfectly. She put Brittany in Sitch’s bed and covered her with a blanket. Sitch arrived home with another girl — he has a unique talent for sniffing out women who badly could have used better role models when they were children. (This is why we need to start teaching Kill Bill in kindergarten.) Mike brought his girl into his bedroom. “Say, is that a dead body?” said the young lady. (In the other room, Nicole’s thought bubble screamed: “It can’t be! Prime Minister Silvio said he’d burn the cop’s body!” I think it was Confucius who said, “She who kills an agent of justice shall never rest easy again.” Guys, Snooki killed a cop.)

But no, it was just a drunk half-twin. Sitch didn’t miss a beat. He ran the calculations. “One girl in bed = DTF, Period. Another girl not in bed = DTF Question Mark?” The new girl was sent home, Mike donned his green sex-pants, and they say Brittany’s heart grew three sizes that day. Great prank, Shnookums!

NEXT: Hi, Jionni! Bye, Jionni!

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