The Situation had a scheme. “Quack Quack Quack!” quacked Uncle Situation. “Unit, you’re my boy, and I need you to reveal the true story of my love affair with Crocodilly! Oh, and also tell Jionni that me and Schookums did a smash-and-grab job behind his back. It was just like Ocean’s 11. I was George Clooney, and Snooki was Julia Roberts, and Jionni was Andy Garcia, and Deena was the Asian dude, and Ronnie was a brick.” Alas, His Boy Unit was down in Miami with with The Situation’s brother, Marc, who I will henceforth refer to as The Occurrence. Turns out that that The Occurrence has been seeing Deena’s sister, who I will henceforth refer to as Threena. At this point, The Situation and The Unit had a conversation that went like this:
Unit: “Dude, Threena totally BLEEPED your brother.”
Situation: “She BLEEPED him? Like, BLEEP BLEEP in the BLEEP BLEEP?”
Unit: “BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.”
Situation: “I see.”
I have no idea what they were talking about, but I’m guessing it wasn’t about church. Anyhow, from that point, last night’s Jersey Shore became one of the first episodes this season to not focus almost entirely on The Situation’s slow descent into madness. The gang set off for Aztec, where Vinny started talking to a girl named Deanna. “She’s like a 5 or a 6,” said Vinny romantically. “During the weekend, you’re looking for a 7 or an 8.” Up walked Little Miss 7 or 8: An attractive girl named Nikki, who had absolutely everything going for her except for any interest whatsoever in sleeping with a member of the male gender. A stealth lesbian! But Vinny was not cowed. “I’m feminine. I got soft features. I think I’m a good transition for a lesbian girl,” said Vinny. “When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, that is like Christopher Columbus discovering America,” he concluded. And you thought your kids couldn’t learn anything valuable from Jersey Shore.
Vinny wound up sleeping with Deanna. “My smush with this girl wasn’t bad. This was an average girl. Average smush. Nothing extraordinary. Released some demons, y’know.” What a lucky girl. (I like to imagine that somewhere in Seaside Heights there’s a support group for all the lovely young women with low self-esteem who wind up hooking up with a member of the Jersey Shore cast.)
But fellow viewers, we need to talk about Snooki (starring Tilda Swinton.) She left Aztec early. She was incredibly drunk. She was as drunk as a British sailor. She was as drunk as an average British person. At one point, she mumbled “Oh my goodness, I’ve never been this drunk in my life,” and what came out was, “Uhmygo. I’ve benever zizdrunk immywife.” She woke up in the morning and tried to lie in the hammock, but she failed. “I need a f—ing therapist,” she cried out, “And I need AA meetings.” If that’s not a cry for help, I don’t know what is.
Speaking of cries for help! Pauly D was once again besieged by a stalker. Unfortunately, this was not the beloved Italian-loving Israeli of yesteryear. This was a full-on Pauly D fangirl, complete with a Pauly D hat and a “Cabs Are Here” shirt and a naive expression that seemed to hint at years of potentially lucrative endorsement deals. Her name was Vanessa, which is also the name of Pauly D’s sister. “You ever seen Misery?” asked J-Woww. “She’s gonna smash your kneecaps.” That’s a good reference, but I was actually imagining that Pauly D would take his stalker under his wing. Then he’d teach her everything he knew. Then she would kill him. It would be kind of like when Jesse James was assassinated by the coward Robert Ford in that one movie. I think it was called Yogi Bear.
NEXT PAGE: The Importance of Being J-Woww