In the end, fame will consume us all. And in the not-so-distant future, when the Western World has devolved into tweeting cave-people marauding through a barren landscape while eco-hipsters hide in walled city-states, educators in the utopian society of IndoChina will force first-graders to watch last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, just as surely as your friendly D.A.R.E. officer used to show you pictures of meth-heads with soot-black teeth. It’s becoming more clear with each passing episode that the Jersey Shore cast may never recover from being on Jersey Shore. The dark night of Vin-Vin’s soul was just the beginning. On last night’s episode, the two most iconic members of the Shore cast – Uncle Situation and Darling Shnookums – both entered their own private late-period Caligula phase. Snooki has lost all control of her bladder, and doesn’t care. At least she’s still one step up from Sitch, who has apparently lost all grip on reality. I used to theorize that The Situation was a supervillain in mold of a Lex Luthor – a brilliant man with a head full of schemes and a heart full of hate. It’s clear now that Sitch is really just a sad old man who sees threats everywhere. He’s King Lear, if King Lear were about twenty years older.
At the start of last night’s show, apropos of absolutely nothing, Uncle Sitch told Snooki that he had big plans. He wanted to get inked up. He wanted to get a pair tattoos on tree-trunk forearms: “Loyalty” and “Betrayal.” He wanted to remember who his friends were, and who his enemies were. This information incited Ronnie to initiate the night’s most exciting trend: Hilarious Facial Reactions to The Situation’s Insanity.
Regular readers of these recaps know that I often pick on the fact that Ronnie is a shaven ape-man caught in the wild and forced to live as a human, as part of an ongoing science experiment by a mad primatologist who Ronnie refers to as “Unky Herb.” And that is absolutely true. When I spoke to Ronnie last summer, he would occasionally veer away from his erudite analysis of the Florentine patronage system into paranoid ramblings about how King K. Rule had stolen all his bananas. (Disclaimer: That’s not true. But in a society where “reality” has lost all meaning, isn’t fiction the real truth? The answer is no.) But lately, I’ve been thinking that I have Ronnie all wrong. There was a time when Ron-Ron seemed perpetually angry and confused about his inability to fit in with human society. He has seemed much calmer lately, perhaps because he realizes that human society is not worth fitting into. He aptly noted that The Situation should get tattoos that said “Betrayal” and “Betrayal.”
The gang went out for drinks and dancing. Snooki danced so hard that she peed on the dance floor. Now, hilarious urination has been a cornerstone of Jersey Shore for many years, but this is the first time that we’ve seen a Shore cast member literally relieve themselves in public. Snooki quickly fled to a bathroom, where she sprayed perfume on her soiled drawers and declared herself clean. “Don’t call me dirty,” she said, a thin line of Aguilera™ Brand Spray Tan still trickling down her leg. “I’m not dirty. I smell phenomenal.” Pause to imagine High Empress Snookerina, queen of all she surveys, standing aloft a pyramid made of dried vomit and fossilized feces, proclaiming to her beloved subjects, “I smell phenomenal! The Empress has spoken!”
Snooki decided that she had a UTI. Fortunately, she was prepared. “I’m a vet tech, and I know what to do when it comes to UTIs,” she said, ordering several shots of tequila and then licking those shots off Deena’s neck. “Drinking when you have a UTI is kind of like a painkiller,” she noted. Pause to imagine Snooki as a veterinarian. When you bring in your little puppy, she says, “I’ve got just the thing for this!” Then she pulls Deena out of a cabinet, lathers her Deena-neck with tequila, and has your puppy lick it off. The point is, it’s not like medicine is an exact science, y’know?
NEXT: Snooki continues to explore eco-friendly toilet alternatives.