I’ve always felt a little bit sorry for the Jersey Shore cast. Yes, they have a whole lot of money. Yes, they’ve become famous by monetizing their basest instincts. Yes, when they’re not filming, they can treat themselves to a lavish lifestyle beyond my wildest dreams. Right now, Uncle Situation is in his money bin swimming through an ocean of souvenir pressed pennies, and Snooki has hired her favorite Eurotrash DJs to provide a bumping house soundtrack for her lamaze classes, and Pauly D is having cocktails with Richard Branson and James Cameron on his private island while they prepare to embark on an old-fashioned hobo-hunt, and Vinny is finally making some headway on his quantum gravity generator with his colleagues at the Santa Fe Institute, and Ronnie is trying to cut down a sequoia tree using only his forehead, and Sammi is terrible, and J-Woww has finally secured the funding to direct and star in her passion-project feature film debut: A Total Recall musical spin-off about the three-breasted mutant prostitute. (Working title: Chestward Ho!)
But I truly don’t think I could survive the Jersey Shore lifestyle. At this point in the fifth season, the castmates have been together for months – they arrived in Seaside Heights immediately after their Florentine misadventure. Even if we assume that there are a couple days in a week when the housemates don’t have twenty soul-sucking cameras pointed at them all day, that’s still essentially three straight months of unbroken partying. Maybe I’m lame, but I can barely party for three days in a row without feeling the nasty effects. Jersey Shore gets a lot of attention for all the party pageantry – fist-pump dance montages, trips to Club Karma – but half the time, the show is really about the cast’s neverending hangover.
Louis C.K. brilliantly portrayed the experience of a hangover on his show. Watch this clip:
Now understand something: This is probably how the Jersey Shore cast feels every day, except Pauly D, whose alien-robot metabolism converts the alcohol into sustainable bio-fuel. In that sense, it’s understandable that the cast members can barely seem to stand each other anymore. At one point in last night’s episode, Ronnie noticed that everyone was frankly getting sick of each other. Deena is angry at Snooki for abandoning her; The Situation is angry at everyone for not noticing how awesome he is; everyone is angry at The Situation because he’s a supervillain.
Last night, Uncle Sitch finally followed through on his years-in-the-making plan for vengeance. He told Jionni that he hooked up with Snooki. “My Boy Unit was hookin’ up with Ryder,” he said. “Nicole walked in, saw them hookin’ up, dot dot dot, it was really quick.” Now, there is nothing I have ever wanted to picture less than everything The Situation just said. Jionni, for his part, reacted passively. He went back to bed with his future bride-to-be and told her, “I’m laughing about something. I gotta tell you something.”
(Brief shout-out to Ronnie, who kept up his recent winning streak of zingers with this imitation of The Situation’s revelation: “How you doin, Jionni, this morning? Bacon, egg, and cheese? Your girlfriend f—ed me. Okay!”)
Snooki was understandably upset. Mike told her, “I’m sure in a couple weeks we’ll make up and be friends.” Snooki responded diplomatically: “I want you to go die and rot in a hole.” Jionni stood by, apparently disinterested. I have to admit that it’s utterly impossible to get a read on anyone involved in this curious romantic triangle, but Pauly D summed up Jionni’s response like this: “He knows that she’s hooking up, because he’s doing the same damn thing.” So start getting excited for that Disney wedding, everybody!