Darren Franich
March 11, 2011 AT 07:00 AM EST

Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore actually told three distinct stories, and all of them centered on a mystery.  I’m talking real hardcore potboilers, noir thrillers, the sort of mystery you’d read about in an Encyclopedia Brown book, if anyone still reads anything in this miserable modern era. Let’s run down the night’s three brainteasers. Remember: only two of them were actually solved during the episode.

The Case of the Puppy Prison Break

Listen, kids, we’ve all had a good time here making fun of the fact that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is actually a 45-year-old man. Uncle Situation is cranky. He moves slowly. He tries fitting in with the kids by wearing ridiculous clothes. He’s disturbed by anything that is unclean. He thinks Mark Harmon is the most badass person on television. You  might argue, “But his birth certificate says he was born in 1982!” Well, fine, but birth certificates can be faked. Just look at Barack Obama, who was actually born in Kenya, or George W. Bush, who was actually the crown prince of Monaco before the revolution forced him to flee. (You didn’t hear about the Monegasque Revolution? Well, maybe you should try reading the international news every now and then, hippie.)

But my friends, I have some remarkable information to share with you. This news comes straight from our crack team of German biochemists in the Entertainment Weekly Science Lab for Scientific Research and Science. (They’re the same underpaid nerds who recently proved definitively that Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly are actually alien clones from space, completely identical except for their hairstyles and also only one of them can act.) Apparently, the Situation isn’t 45 years old…he’s 11 years old. Sitch suffers from a rare disorder that forces his body to age roughly four times faster than normal. He’s exactly like Robin Williams in Jack, except there are times when you don’t want to punch Sitch in the face.

Don’t believe me? Consider the opening sequence of last night’s episode. Pauly D and Vinny were taking off for a day trip to Staten Island. For the occasion, Pauly had composed a new song, the lyrics of which are:

I’m going to Staten Island!

I’m going to Staten Island!

I’m going to Staten Island!

It’s an island!

He’s a DJ! Meanwhile, Ronnie was went with the girls on an extra-special GTL+Nails adventure. That meant Mike woke up to an empty house. Uh oh, Li’l Sitch is home alone. What sort of mischief will he get up to? No no, Li’l Sitch, don’t break J-Woww’s horrible dogs out of their tiny prison! No no, Li’l Sitch, don’t feed those dogs pizza! Oh I see, this is all part a prank, isn’t it? You little devil!

The horrible dog Sitch nicknamed “Lean Cuisine” left a present on the floor. “The master plan is going down!” exclaimed Li’l Sitch. The other dog, “Juicebox,” opted to make a bathroom out of Vinny and Pauly’s L-block bachelor pad. Sitch explained his plan: He would pretend that he was sleeping upstairs, so that no one would suspect him. What a prank! If this were Calvin & Hobbes, Sitch would be Calvin, the dogs would be Hobbes, Snooki would be Susie Derkins, and no one would ever read Calvin & Hobbes.

NEXT: Roger does the dip, which is not prison lingo for anything

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