When the sneak attack came, it was swift and merciless. Vinny and Pauly were sitting in the living room, gabbing about dude stuff. “Chicks,” said Vinny. “Broads,” retorted Pauly. Into the breach waltzed Deena. She moseyed up to the reclining Vinny. She looked mischievous but innocent, like a cherub with a handlebar mustache. “Hi, Vinny!” she said. “Ya like da boobz?” Vin-Vin was distracted…and that’s when Special Agent Shnookums struck, mashing cake into Vinny’s unsuspecting face. The ol’ cake-in-the-face gag! It was just like a Charlie Chaplin movie, except with sound and not as preachy.
“Meatballs 1, Bromance 0!” squealed Deena and Snooki as they fled upstairs. “This is war,” proclaimed Generalissimo Vincente. The lads found some puppy excrement, wrapped it up, and set it inside of Deena’s pillow. “Deena and Nicole’s brains together don’t equal mine,” bragged Vinny. (Maybe, but as Louis Pasteur always said, “It all looks the same under a microscope.”) Vinny didn’t count on one thing, though: As he set his fecal trap in Deena’s pillow, Bizarro-Snooki herself was actually hiding underneath the bed. She counter-attacked. When Vinny found the stool sample in his pillow, he was furious. “This is war,” he proclaimed again.
Now, Vinny started to get clever. He kidnapped Snooki’s beloved pet Crocodile, whose name is Crocodilly. (I wonder if Snooki has a whole menagerie of stuffed pets. A snake named “Snakey.” A rabbit named “Rabbity.” A brontosaurus named “Charlotte Bronte-saurus.”) Vinny hung poor Crocodilly off the balcony. Then he sat back in the living room and twiddled his mustache. Soon enough, Snooki noticed that her beloved companion was missing. She searched, and she called his name: “Crocodilly? Crocodilly!” She asked if someone had stolen it. “I didn’t take anybody’s crocodile,” swore poor Ronald, who clearly is tired of being blamed for everything.
Cue the arrival of Uncle Situation. Sitch played the stool pigeon: “Nyeeehhh, I saw somebody take the croc out on the balcony,” he said. Vinny felt betrayed. Uncle Sitch was all like, “Umm, it was a lame prank anyways,” which proves that Sitch just doesn’t understand political satire. Vinny rechristened Mike “The Snitchuation,” which is impossible to spell but really rolls off the tongue.
This has been a quiet season for The Situation. Actually, it’s been a quiet season for just about everybody except Sam and Ron. Sure, J-Woww broke up with her PayPal-pilfering ex-boyfriend, and Snooki got arrested, and Deena was all like “Ya like da boobz?” But Sam and Ron have so far pulled a robbery on season 3. Everyone else seems to be gilding their resumes for spin-off material. (Just look at Sitch’s most memorable line last night: “Some days, I’m Uncle Situation, Doctor Situation, Chef Situation, Bang-Your-Girl Situation. I’m a pretty deep dude.” It was like he was trying out for three different reality shows at once. Bang-Your-Girl Situation: The Bachelor. Chef Situation: Celebrity Top Chef. Doctor Situation: Celebrity Surgery, where people who can’t afford health care go to an offshore free clinic staffed entirely by fading reality stars and lesser Baldwins).
NEXT: Vinny vs. The Toilet