All is splendid in the Mindy-Danny universe—he gifts her with nose trimmers, necklaces, and apple pie as she swoons over her perfect boyfriend—until Danny makes a “mistake” by putting his you-know-what in a, uh, different hole. And Mindy is not pleased.
“I slipped!” Danny claims the next morning as the two march into work. Mindy doesn’t buy it, and she sets off on a mission to get to the bottom of this: Was it an honest mistake or was Danny trying to get some butt action? (Spoiler: Danny was totally trying to get some butt action.)
When Mindy confronts him later, though, Danny admits he’s going blind and he couldn’t tell where he was going. Because that’s how sex works, kids: You stare down there until you figure out where to go. Even if Danny did need to see to get it on, he could have just kept on his adorable red eyeglasses. What’s a bigger turn-on than grandpa-style frames?
Mindy does what any caring girlfriend would do and takes Danny to the eye doctor, where the ophthalmologist reveals that Danny’s vision is just fine. Danny has to fess up that he didn’t think trying out something new would be a big deal—he figured she’d already done it anyway. You know what happens when you assume, Danny?
Peter, Mindy’s so-called “most perverted friend,” ends up giving Mindy a lesson in sex since she’s not as experienced as she’d like; this is one of those rare scenes where an inanimate skeleton shines. Peter demonstrates multiple sex positions, using the skeleton as a stand-in for Mindy, to gauge just how varied Mindy’s sexy-times have been. Unsurprisingly, this sex session doesn’t do much for Mindy, so she turns to Morgan next: She asks for a sedative prescription so she can just do what Danny wants and get it over with. At this point, it’s becoming more and more clear that maybe Peter’s creepy demonstration was the better option here. Maybe.
But Mindy goes through with her plan, which is to seduce Danny by adopting all of his interests before taking the pill so he can have his kind-of-consensual way with her. This Mindy—the one who will have butt sex, no problem—loves Scotch! She listens to the blues! She would of course be down to watch a History Channel special on Hitler! Instead of leading to the bedroom though, this just leads to Danny telling Mindy it’s okay she’s not into kink. They’re an old shoe anyway, he says. Ah, yes, an old shoe: What every woman wants her relationship to resemble. “Yeah, I’m dating this guy and I just feel like we’re at this moment where we’re like my grandma’s 12-year-old Crocs and it’s just, wow.”
Although Danny has moved on to cleaning his ears, Mindy’s already taken her sedative and is texting Morgan sweet nothings about how much she loves him and they need to go on vacation. (Spin-off movie pitch: Mindy and Morgan Go to Mexico.) Before she knows it though, Mindy is succumbing to the sedative. Remember that scene in Breaking Bad when Jesse does heroin and he floats off the bed? Well, Mindy pulls a Jesse—and ends up in the hospital, where she and Danny finally resolve the issue and decide to discuss any fun sex things they want to try before actually trying them. Problem solved.
Except not really. The episode ends with Danny filling his mouth with whipped cream before making out with Mindy, making us think that they’ve suddenly turned into a Cosmopolitan-reading, porn-loving couple. But… nope. Mindy is too preoccupied with the taste of the whipped cream and ends up injuring Danny by biting his tongue in what was supposed to be a sexy moment. Understandable: Whipped cream is really good.
“All I’ve wanted is to abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.” —Mindy
“Let’s leave God out of this—he doesn’t know about us. I told him you were my assistant.” —Danny to Mindy
“If I wanted to have a hands-on sexual education, I’d go back to computer camp.” —Mindy
“Tamra and I can’t walk through Harlem together… ‘cause we’re in a limo.” —Morgan
“Are you trying to Parent Trap us?” —Jeremy, when Peter shows up to his dinner with Morgan
What we learned about Mindy:
–Her most prized possession is a photo of Kris Jenner.
–She watches anime porn.
–She’s jaywalked and lied under oath hundreds of times.
–She turns to a roll of pre-made cookie dough in times of need.
–She hates the blues but loves Taylor Swift.
–God is obsessed with her.
–She will watch The Colbert Report with you.
By the numbers:
Mindy’s outfits: 7
Gifts received: 5
Mindy’s hospital visitors: 4
Eyebrows sacrificed: 2