Bettina Strauss/ABC
Sara Vilkomerson
August 13, 2015 AT 10:30 PM EDT

Warning: Mistresses will be using the old Sliding Doors device for this week’s episode. More specifically, what would Joss’ life have been like if she hadn’t run from Scott on her wedding day and started making out furiously with Harry? What then?

Cause in this reality, she’s getting processed through the LAPD jail and it doesn’t look fun in the slightest.

Her support crew—Harry, April, and Karen—meet with handsome lawyer David, whom Harry takes an instant alpha male dislike. Figures. This scene is worth mentioning because it turns out only family can visit Joss in jail and so where on earth is Savi? The show seems to be painting itself into a bit of a corner when it comes to Savi—like, there’s no way they can Alyssa Milano to show up for something, right? So instead we get weird lines about Savi being unreachable in an ashram in India. (Apparently, she really is taking a page out of the Eat Pray Love handbook.)

Joss’ lawyer tells her that things have gone real wrong: Everyone loves a sensational story apparently and the Single White Female story line Calista spun last week has taken root. Also Joss’ ex-girlfriend Alex (you guys, remember her?) has unwittingly backed up this whole thing by telling them about their whirlwind romance. I appreciate Mistresses being so willing to acknowledge their past weird story lines.

Joss tells her cellmate, a very friendly arsonist that it’s a long story as to how she ended up in the slammer but thinks that the reason she’s currently being “punished” is for leaving Scott. And here we begin our first Sliding Doors fantasy: She and Scott are in a limo and he’s apparently taken care of all the arrangements and they’re going someplace amazing for their honeymoon. This is a good fantasy!

Oh boy, speaking of tough realities: Karen is pregnant. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming! She explains to April that she missed a pill and we unfortunately have to learn that Alec has an allergy to latex. (Guys, PSA: Please don’t try this latex allergy thing as an excuse not to wear condoms. With the exception of Karen, we’re on to you.) She’s still in love with her couple and thinks maybe she should carry the baby and just hand it over? This seems like a bad plan.

Marc and April chat in the kitchen. Marc is all hey, jail isn’t so bad. He apparently spent a little quality time there after mistakenly soliciting a prostitute. Marc! Marc! Marc! He then makes a surprising Malcolm Gladwell reference and follows that with a list of suggestions for Joss in jail, which includes faking a disease that involves blistering. April calls someone else entirely and asks for help.

Back in the Sliding Doors land, Scott buys Calista’s house for Joss on a whim (ugh) and calls it their forever home. Barf. I mean, awesome! He leaves and she answers the phone and it’s Savi. Hmm. Score one point to alterna-reality.

Back in real reality: Harry doesn’t trust the lawyer Joss has one bit. But he’s distracted by Ari, the wild-haired agent who wants to make him a star. She’s throwing a fancy benefit where it’s 50k per table and she wants Harry to cater it. Harry blows her off cause it’s nuts to close the restaurant down on a Friday.

Yet next time we check in on them, Ari has managed to get sleezeball owner Ellis to agree. Harry still tries to get out of it: His head is a mess, he’s not where he should be for an event like this. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t care about his personal life, but about his career.

Karen goes over to see Vivian—Alec is nowhere to be found because the couple just had a major fight and he stormed off. Turns out that things are not working without Karen’s involvement and Vivian is considering leaving Alec.

This throws Karen for a loop. When she talks to April, she admits about how scary it would be to have to raise the baby, but she’s 38 (hey, show: pump the brakes, will you?) and you know blah blah blah last chance. April tells her she will help her. Stop fishing for season 4, you guys!

NEXT: Guess who is back? (No, not Savi)

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