Bettina Strauss/ABC
Sara Vilkomerson
August 28, 2015 AT 01:44 AM EDT

We open with the TV news reporting on the shocking! New! Developments! that Caista and Joss were colluding together. I love the local news. Wouldn’t this be national if we are to believe Calista really is, in fact, a national figure? All I know is that my local news did an 11-minute segment lately on fake Mr. Softee ice-cream trucks and I was riveted. Oh, but I digress (mostly because I hate this story line so much). Harry and April chat about what a disaster this is.

Karen is with Vivian who is getting very bad news from a doctor who is bizarro Kristen Wiig. I will cut through the confusing medical mumbo jumbo—Vivian could be close to death, basically, after Vivian’s body is rejecting Karen’s unicorn blood. Karen tells her they’ll fix it, but none of us believe it.

More from Bad Newsland: Calista berates Patty. She still seems drunk, but that certainly can’t be. Patty tells her that both Calista and Joss could end up with the same amount of time served. Calista is all: let me tell the police the real story for real now. Patty is like, oh that time has passed, sister. Calista is frustrated beyond belief: She realizes even good old Patty doesn’t believe her.

David tells Joss that the DA would be willing to cut a deal: If Joss testifies and admits to colluding with Calista, she gets a reduced sentence of 10-12 years. Joss is all say what? David jumps in: I agree you cannot plead guilty even if they have to appeal and appeal. Joss is like, um, but what’s the worst case scenario? 20 to life. Damn. Let’s take a break and remember this song.

Lucy and April are apparently in couple’s counseling? Or whatever the mother and daughter version of this is. The therapist asks to talk to April alone. April immediately comes undone: She’s a terrible mother, blah blah blah. The therapist is like, hey take it easy! She loves Scotty and Marc after all! Weird.

Oh man, excellent line of dialogue here: “NO, not Larry David: Harry Davis!” Do I need to keep recapping this scene after that? This is a mic drop for Mistresses. Anyway, Harry is all mad and trying to reach Joss’ lawyer. He’s losing his mind. Marc is in a good mood because April dumped whatshisname. He tells Harry he should chill or he’ll scare Joss. Harry counters with that Marc should seize the day and tell April how he feels.

Joss goes to the prison yard and fills Roz in on the latest. And then… there’s Calista. She’s gets some good taunting about thinking she’s J-Lo and fashion week. She tries to talk to Joss and Roz tells “Project Runway” to beat it. YAY ROZ. I love this sassy arsonist more than anyone. Eat it, Calista.

Karen tries to cheer up Vivian, but it seems like that might be tough to do. Vivian hasn’t told Alec that she’s sick—he’s got a black tie gala the next night and Vivian doesn’t want to ruin it for him. Karen really thinks she should be checked in to the hospital and Vivian swears she’ll tell him, after he has his moment. “Let me have one last night of happiness.” Oof. Tough manipulative times.

At the store, Marc approaches April. He heard about Joss and has bought Joss some magazines and novels and April is touched. He’s being spazzy and awkwardly asks her out, even though she has no idea that is actually what he’s trying to do. This weirdness is cut short when she gets a call that there’s a strange man next door.

But when they investigate they find out it’s just Marc’s weird sister’s new boyfriend. His name is Ron and they met a week ago on a cruise. He was a high roller and Miranda was his lucky charm. Marc, like me, wants to puke.

Meanwhile Ari tells Harry that THE Rocco DiSpirato (hahahahahaha) wants to meet him. She got him on the short list for some web series. Ari gets weird talking about the kiss and tells him that she doesn’t want to make things weird.

Karen runs into Alec and it’s hella awkward. He tells her he knows he didn’t react well to the pregnancy news (not realizing she’s spazzing about something else now entirely). He feels good that the kid will have Karen and Vivian to keep him from screwing it up. He’s being super sweet and charming and Karen is in a real tough spot here. He also asks for her to come to the Gala the next night.

Joss hits the yard and finds all her pals eating candy and reading magazines. Where did they get all that? Just you guess. Calista asks to talk to Joss and this time Roz moves aside. Hey, the lady has a sweet tooth! Calista weirdly pushes Joss into a fence and seems to want a fight and the next thing you know… CATFIGHT. I’d bet on Joss on this one. They get put in adjacent cells and now it makes sense as to why Calista started the fight: She really wanted to talk to Joss.

Meanwhile, poor Harry is just sitting around waiting for Joss. He looks real bummed out. He even brought flowers just to make the table nice. Oh Harry. No one tells him that she’s been locked up.

NEXT: More bad news—and then a glimmer of hope

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