Mark Levine/ABC
Annie Barrett
March 13, 2015 AT 07:11 PM EDT

Let’s just get this out of the way: Awful Peggy finally dealt with that pesky “lack of a pregnancy” thing she’s got going on by FAKING HER OWN MISCARRIAGE for husband Teddy with a can of “pork blood.”

She couldn’t even get pig’s blood from a brand-name pig’s blood store. Nope, A.P. had to black market that sh*t and buy pork’s blood in a brown paper bag. This is officially the most interesting thing Peggy’s character has ever done and the grossest thing on TV… well, just tonight, probably. TV, you so nasty.

Props to Kimberly Williams-Paisley for acting the hell out of that scene in which she pretends to cry for her lost child. I think she convinced me more than she convinced Teddy, actually. Wait….WAS she pregnant?

Oh, and what exactly about the Tennessean (a real paper!) headline “Nashville mayor Conrad weds Peggy Kenter” suggested that the city “overwhelmingly approves” of its First Lady? Teddy is just so terrifically whack. Hate how dull he is; love how crazy Peggy is right now. Can’t believe I’m still typing about either of them.

In “Hanky Panky Woman,” all the key players except Juliette and Avery (whoops, plus Will, and Rayna’s daughters, who didn’t appear) had tripped down to Tampa for Luke Wheeler’s first stop on his blowout “The MOON or SHINE” tour. I had to check that more than five times. I kept thinking it was “No moon, no shine.” Why is it either the moon OR shine? I know the point of it is to remind those rowdy-ass Luke Wheeler fans to drink MOON SHINE and the order of the words doesn’t matter. It’s not important. It’s like any major event in Teddy’s life. I just have to move on.

Oh, maybe it’s supposed to be like “rain or shine.” I still don’t get it. We all know I am not that bright, moon or shine.

Scarlett O’Connor: She’s tougher than you think! Our dear, sweet ethereal doily fell hair-first into a pile of dark pink chalk this week. I’m digging her new extensions, for the record — that mop of hers was begging for a My Little Pony to breathe its unique version of fire into it.) Anyway, that extra color, plus a heaping helping of support from Uncle Deacon ‘n’ Mama Rayna, plus all that good ol’ gumption Scarlett has stored up in her heart, helped her overcome a bit of stage fright as she opened for Luke in her first stadium show.

Ha! “A bit of stage fright.” Girl got literally CLOBBERED by insults and popcorn. To Luke Wheeler fans, any song not about beer and trucks may as well not be in English. They have no time for technical difficulties, either. I could not stop cringing when Rayna had to saunter out and rescue Scarlett by assuring Luke’s fans, “Trust me, this is one of the most talented young women I’ve seen in a long time.” What the hell was she saying? They had no idea. Because that sentence didn’t sound like English either.

NEXT: ‘I ain’t dead, and I ain’t done.’ #EffYeahDeacon

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