Mark Levine/ABC
Annie Barrett
March 13, 2015 AT 07:12 PM EDT


TV Show
run date
Connie Britton, Hayden Panettiere, Charles Esten
Current Status
In Season

Remember when Nashville was about the music? Tonight’s episode, “It Must Be You,” offered just one new performance and a whole lotta romantic buildup to…maybe nothing. This season the show’s less focused on satirizing the actual country music industry — something it did so intriguingly in season 1 — and more focused on pairing up random characters so that they’ll have another human to converse with in a scene.

And it’s always the same conversation; basically: “Let’s equivocate on how we probably like each other, but maybe not, but really, yes. Sex now?” Of course there’s no way to set that disastrous paraphrase to music, so they don’t even try!

It’s time for a Big Hat Event: the Belle Meade polo match. None of Nashville‘s heavy hitters can believe they’re there, even though they are like the richest people in the city and therefore are practically required to attend. Rayna’s even fourth-generation Belle Meade (so how the heck has she avoided this polo match her whole life? small children have no rights!), which her new sex interest Luke Wheeler knew after doing his research and watching a CMA special.

To recap all the subliminal messages flying around at this point: ABC. CMA. Robin Roberts. ABC. ABC. CMA. ABC. Next week. You will watch it. ABC. CMA. No new Nashville. Perfect opportunity for one, too. WTF.

Juliette’s there, wearing a delightfully absurd daffodil-esque fascinator and prim patterned gown. That British sex weasel and, it turns out, polo player Charlie Wentworth had invited her. At first Juliette’s not havin’ it with her latest boy toy — she gives him hell about all the wealth he inherited and all the grapes his servants must constantly feed him. But the joke’s on her — Charlie Wentworth doesn’t even like grapes.

Cool it, Thong Dress.

Wrong Thong ends up having a blast at the polo event, reluctantly replacing divots Pretty Woman-style and eventually engaging in a post-match stable singalong designed to show her as just one of the guys. (Juliette Barnes: Easy, breezy, beautiful. Neutrogena.)

I’m thrilled as suddenly, multiple stable hands not only know all the chords of Juliette’s song “Hypnotizing,” but have musical instruments in their possession on which to play said chords! It’s a Halloween miracle! Next year I am totally going as the long-haired fellow playing the harmonica. I just don’t have the time to pull off this complicated costume before tomorrow.

NEXT: Rayna should know better than to try raise millions with a lame side pony

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