Adam Taylor/Fox
Lanford Beard
September 24, 2014 AT 01:30 AM EDT

Ain’t no party like a New Girl party ’cause a New Girl party is… wasted out of its ever-lovin’ mind and wall-to-wall cops! In another narrative make-good attempt, the show found itself capitalizing on its strength as an ensemble vis-à-vis at a Police Academy rager this week. Sure, Winston was the only one actually invited—by which I mean he was aware of the party and invited himself in an attempt to curry favor with the very same academy-mates who ostensibly found him so boring/off-putting that they refused to give him a nickname.

Of course, when Winston took the liberty of inviting Nick, Coach, and Cece, he was pretty desperate… desperate enough to disregard the fact that they’d gotten stoned one last time before their roommate became a cop who could bust them. Or to find another wrong the fact that these amateur-hour potheads were crashing a police party while absolutely fried.

Dicey, eh? For their parts, Jess and Schmidt literally got Dice-y with it. Their plot revolved around a Tinder-style online dating app called Dice (as in “Roll the joint dice”). Upon seeing Schmidt’s revolving door of hotties parading through the loft, Jess decided to be the grasshopper to his menage-ing master and see what this online dating thing was all about. I’m sure you can guess how that turned out.

Let’s run through the attendees of tonight’s festivities…

JESS

Designated _______: Last Piece of Pie (per Schmidt)

Party chant: “DTF. Seeks same… [to self] I’m Dice-in’!”

Alternate party chant: “I know I’m gullible because people tell me that, and I have no reason not to believe them.”

Party tricks: Gifts Schmidt’s one-night-stands with bananas (“a little potassium pick-me-up”); quick learner; unyielding belief in love.

Party foul: Uses banana gifting ceremony to make awkward insinuations about thin walls, then say, “Just kidding, they’re thick—you’re just really loud!”; unaware of popular dating apps (“Dice and Tinder! I’ve been to those bars, they’re downtown, right?”); shocking naïveté regarding online dating as a whole, but particularly in spotting obvious red flags (“He looked nice in the picture! The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy-tail? He asked me to the food court near his house; I thought that was down-to-earth, and I like that. He didn’t bring any money, so we had to go back to his apartment, and also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes.”); upon seeing a handsome man, in the habit of saying “Hubba, hubba, mama in trubba” and “He has dreamy eyes—them’s joint-bank-account eyes”; finds extricating herself from dead-end dates difficult.

Plus-ones: Ex-con raisin farmer; overly aggressive live-chicken eater; gay-for-Strahan “straight” guy; evil monster who thinks Meryl Streep is “a dumb bitch”; corporate drone fist fighter; Velcro shoe-wearing pervert; seemingly charming Average Joe who’s actually a comedy magician in disguise.

SCHMIDT

Designated _______: Dicer

Party chant: “Now, I’m gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash.”

Alternate party chant: “Role playing? What about this feels like a game to you?”

Party tricks: This “rugged, Semitic prince” goes by the alias Jack Steel; split-second, instinctual decisiveness; can spot a pervert from an entire Internet away; date-scheduling and branding whiz; innovative, if extreme, teaching techniques; incredibly creative with excuses for getting out of dates (some of which involve accents and long-lost children!).

Party foul: Ringtone is Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” (though, to be fair, he “[hasn’t] received a non-text message in two years”); teaching tactics include slapping glasses of water off the table and hurling mobile phones; super-annoying buzzer; susceptibility to Jess’s blind optimism about love leads to desperate misreading of Dice protocol.

WINSTON

Designated _______: Toilet (per the LAPD’s Designated Nicknamer)

Party chant: “I think y’all should roll with—make me look cooler. … If I tell a joke, dogs gotta bark. I wanna see those tails waggin’ out there, okay?”

Party trick: N/A (no wonder he can’t earn a good nickname!).

Party foul: Not clicking socially with the other cadets; in an academy full of “Swoops”-es and “Gunner”-s, can’t distinguish himself enough to get a better name than “Winston Bishop” (until he does… and it’s “Toilet” because he “deals with a lot of crap” from his ridiculous roommates); announces when “Winny the Bish needs to go make a caca”; thinks bringing Nick and Coach as party crashers will make him look cool in front of his buddy cops; drops inappropriate, spoiler-filled literary references in casual conversation (Charlotte’s Web, anybody?); narcs on his friends; can’t recognize the world’s worst nickname (“Winston ‘Toilet’ Bishop. I like the sound of that!”).

NICK

Designated _______: Stoner Sherpa

Party chant: “You can’t just pick up pot and be good at it. Like everything else in life, it takes practice. … It hits everybody at different times, hoss, but it’s comin’ for ya.”

Party tricks: Ring diving, eating pizza.

Party foul: Doesn’t know the difference between the girl’s nickname Barb and Babar the Elephant, even when not stoned; repeats himself a lot when high; questionable logic; terrible Al Pacino impression; volatile transition between mellow-stoned and crazy-paranoid-stoned; kicks over grills and ruins perfectly good food when he feels threatened; terrible hiding-place picker.

COACH

Designated _______: Marijuana Newbie

Party chant: “Officer, can I read you your rights? You have the right to remain hugged. And you have the right to remain sweet.”

Party tricks: Shimmies shoulders while giggling; friendly; encourages friends (even ill-advisedly) to go back to school while busting out a sick beat box.

Party foul: Never smoked pot before; takes a long time to get high.

CECE

Designated _______: Space Brownie Baker

Party chant: [Giggles endlessly]

Party tricks: Ready for anything, including going to a party on Winston’s butt.

Party foul: Approaches random strangers and dogs to tell them her life story.

Schmidt-iest lines

“If pot were a piano, Nick would be a 9-year-old Chinese girl.”

On Nick, Coach, and Cece’s plans to get stoned: “This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12-year-olds.”

“Over the next 1,000 minutes, your notions of dating will be challenged. … If you’re saying things like ‘Dreamy Eyes’ to my face, then we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically.”

“Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.”

Jess: You set me up on a date? I’m wearing my lounge-around underwear.

Schmidt: I set you up on 10 dates. Ten years of experience in one day, expert by midnight—The Dice Diez (diez is Spanish for 10).

Jess: Are you insane, Schmidt? I’m not ready. That’s like taking a musical from rehearsal straight to Broadway. You gotta workshop it first!

Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!

Apropos of nothing, to Jess: “You have so much hair. Where did all that hair come from? You’re like a lioness.”

“Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?”

“The point of dating is just… to keep on dating and then never stop—like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.”

Next-day cleanup montage: Amazingly, not a lot of fallout from this episode (well, other than the fact that Jess can never unsee a hat being pulled out of a rabbit). Still, in the scheme of things, it was a solid second outing as the series picks back up steam. In classic New Girl fashion, “Dice” took a divide-and-conquer strategy, spotlighting its most talented improv-ers and packing in plenty of physical gags and one-liners in order to keep the momentum rolling toward a redemption season. All that said, I have a lot of cleanup to do—in my soul, which is currently laid to waste at the realization that I, too, have been on dates with all of these men.

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